Women truly are their own worst enemies.
I stumbled upon a YouTube channel recently and got enthralled by its content. The channel is called Think Before You Sleep, and the man covers topics that have to do with society, and how our collective maturity level as a society has sharply declined in recent years. But this man’s videos kicked my brain into high gear about my ex-wife, because so many things he says, in several of his videos, explain things that directly apply to her. I’ve been on the fence about my ex-wife’s past for as long as I’ve known her, but after watching this guy’s videos … I’m pretty settled, now, about what’s truly wrong with my ex-wife.
Immaturity and childishness, to the degree my ex-wife has, does NOT come out of nowhere. I think she suffered trauma at an early age. By extension, I am now of the opinion that our marriage was doomed, no matter what I had done, because she has never been mentally fit enough to recognize a good thing when she has it. If you think it’s arrogant for me to say that, just keep reading. I don’t say that as someone who wishes misery/suffering upon her – because I never have wished that upon her – I say that as someone who once loved her more than life itself.
And before I get started with this giant post, I want to make the purpose of this post abundantly clear. This post is not meant to be one big bash on my ex-wife. If anything, it’s a love-letter to the person she used to be, before her mental problems doomed our marriage. You’ll see what I mean particularly at the end.
I will always wish she didn’t keep our family broken.
Part 1: What, Exactly, Did I Do?
First, I will ask a simple question: What, exactly, did I do? This question is for anyone who reads this post in its entirety and agrees that she indeed is emotionally damaged, but believes that it was all my fault. So, what, exactly, did I do in order to be deemed and treated as a monster?
Did I ever strike her? Did I ever raise a hand to intimidate her? Did I ever throw anything at her? Did I ever restrain her? Did I ever force her, or coerce her, to do anything, at all, against her expressed will? Did I ever keep her physically trapped in a single location for any length of time against her will? Did I ever prevent her from having her own phone, or her own transportation, or her own social media? Did I ever inhibit her from using any of those things? Did I ever damage, destroy, or toss out any of her belongings? Did I ever force her, or coerce her, to stop attending family gatherings? Did I ever raise my voice at her in any way? Was I ever unfaithful to her? Did I trick her into getting pregnant, such as replacing her birth control with sugar pills, or some other trickery?
The answer to all of these questions is a solid no.
This is not to imply that I was a perfect husband. I was not. I have always been open about my mistakes as a husband, such as my insecurity about the possibility of her cheating on me, which is one of the biggest regrets of my lifetime. But despite the fact I was imperfect, my ex-wife still has all of her work still ahead of her to prove that I was a monster.
All she’s got are mental gymnastics. And that gets at the heart of the subject of this post. She mentally needs me to be a monster, even though I have never been one. Because if she can portray me as a monster, then she doesn’t have to improve herself or take responsibility for anything. She was not mistreated as my wife. She was not abused, she did not have her freedoms restricted, she was not emotionally neglected (like never being shown affection), but she still pathologically needs those things to be true, nonetheless.
We’ve been to court 2 times, and both times she tried to paint me as a monster, and both times, the judge did not even begin to believe her. I was awarded 4 days every single week with our daughter. Let me repeat that: I was awarded 4 days every week with our daughter. Does anyone with half a brain possibly believe that, if I had the slightest stain on my personal record, that a judge – a FEMALE judge – would award me 4 days a week to be with my daughter?
No stain on my record whatsoever. Not one instance of assault of any kind. No theft, no vandalism.
And if that’s not enough logical, factual evidence, then also consider this: For half of our marriage – the latter half – we lived with my ex-wife’s relatives. We lived with her aunt and uncle. We lived in their house, where they also lived. Our bedroom was almost directly beneath their bedroom. That aunt and uncle have two kids, one of them a girl, who was … 12, I think, at the time? So, my point is, for my ex-wife to claim that I was a monster, to ANY degree, then she is directly insinuating that her own relatives – the aunt and uncle AND their children – just sat back and watched me abuse her month after month. And on top of that, this would also insinuate that her aunt and uncle were fine with their own children, especially their own little girl, living with a monster.
Did I mention that aunt and uncle weren’t even present at court? As far as witnesses to testify that I’m an unforgivable horrible person, my ex-wife had none at all. She only had her mommy there in the courtroom, who spoke, but seemed to have nothing particular to say at all, let alone anything that makes me look evil.
Where are the hospital records of all the times I struck her, or restrained her, or forced literally anything upon her? Where are the police records of these incidents? Where are the police records of the times she reported feeling in danger of her husband? Where is all the surveillance and smartphone camera footage of me threatening or assaulting her?
I’ll take it one step further: Where are the hospital records or police records or video footage of me doing anything horrible to ANYONE?
No one capable of reasonable thought, no one in their right mind, believes I’m a monster or a threat.
To conclude this part one, I will simply reiterate: Everyone, including my ex-wife, knows I don’t remotely resemble a monster, but my ex-wife still has a pathological need for me to be one.
No one with a healthy mind would come to even half the conclusions she’s come to about me.
Part 2: The Signs of Childhood Trauma
I’m no expert, and I can’t read minds, but I can research what the experts say and draw reasonable conclusions.
I think my ex-wife has all the characteristics of a girl who experienced something severely damaging at very early age. That doesn’t strictly mean sexual abuse (though I think it was); it could have been a small number of other types of abuse. The underlying attribute of someone who experienced trauma in their childhood is simple: They never grew up, mentally. They are still stuck, mentally, in the time period of when the trauma happened (or where it started).
They permanently retain the behaviors and mental-processing capabilities of a child…
- Does she have the voice and speech pattern of a prepubescent girl? Check.
- An excessive attachment to childlike things, such as cartoons, coloring books, and dolls? Check.
- Scared of threats that aren’t there? Check.
- An inability to accurately perceive events unfolding in real time? Check.
- Believing her own lies? Check.
- Being excessively self-pitying? Check.
- Remembering moments and events that never occurred? Check.
- Exaggerating the severity of mildly-unpleasant events that actually did occur? Check.
- An inability to admit her own personality defects? Check.
- An inability to think long-term? Check.
- Taking no responsibility for her own mistakes, especially big mistakes? Check.
- An undying habit of portraying herself as a victim because she can’t get through life on intelligence or skill alone? Check.
- A heightened sense of achievement that either doesn’t truly exist, or the credit belongs entirely to other people? Check.
- (And last but certainly not least) A deranged attachment to the REAL monster in her life, which causes her to try scapegoating an innocent person (so that she gets a semblance of restitution, while sparing the true perpetrator), and refusing to recognize the perpetrator as the monster they truly are? Check.
None of these things prove developmental damage on their own. None of these things, in a vacuum, prove what I’m certain her problem is. But when there are this many traits all together…?
All of these traits I observed while we were dating/married. I only connected some dots back then. I didn’t connect all the dots until after our separation, because love is blind. During the first month of our relationship, just one or two weeks into dating, I had to ask her, “Did anyone ever rape or molest you?” I asked her because I couldn’t shake feeling that she is carrying some severe, severe emotional damage. She said no, she was never molested. I asked if she was sure, and she said no again. My point is, from the beginning of our time together, I sensed she had been damaged. Back then, she vilified her stepfather, so from her own mouth, I already knew he had something to do with her development, but that didn’t strictly prove he ever stepped too far over the line. But I’ve always been certain someone did. From what I’ve observed, it’s always someone nobody suspects. It’s never the obvious choice. She always spoke negatively of her stepfather when we were together, but she suddenly became okay with him once I became a more convenient object to project her problems onto. I’m not convinced, at least not 100%, that it was her stepfather who damaged her this severely, but what I am 100% certain of is that someone did.
Adults don’t retain their childhood mindsets for no reason. Adults don’t cling to their adolescence to that degree for no reason. And it’s not “nostalgia” that I’m talking about here. What I’m talking about is the child mindset itself. The mindset of how a child thinks, which is, in essence: Denying reality as much as possible.
Children cling to fantasies. Children cannot mentally process nuance and objectivity. Children do not live in reality. They blame others for all their problems, they don’t want to be responsible, and they don’t put others first.
Women in general have the mindset of children. They evolved to think nearly identically to them, in order to be better than men at caring for them. But in my ex-wife’s case, it’s a degree too far. She still bought coloring books during our marriage, for fuck sake…
When my ex-wife and I first started dating, she told me that she never knew what she wanted to be, or do, in her adult years (and that was still true up to the moment we were talking about this). For clarification, I asked her, “You didn’t want to be a mother, or have a career like being an astronaut?” She said no, to all the above. To me (in hindsight), that sounds like someone who so desperately did not want to grow up in the first place.
I can’t help but recall the second time she dragged me to court, and she listed her age as 22, even though she was only a few short days away from turning 24…
Overall point in this second part is: My ex-wife is not in her right mind; it is plainly evident that she was damaged long before she ever met me. Add that with the fact that I was not a horrible husband like she desperately wants people to believe.
Now add this to the equation…
Part 3: Our Daughter
I haven’t been counting, but it’s probably an accurate assumption that I’ve been called a great father more than I’ve been told or asked anything else in my life. Even more than “You’re tall,” or “Do you play basketball?” No other words have I heard said to me more than how I’m a great father.
I actually think this fact is something my ex-wife is scared of. She is scared of the jealousy (towards her daughter) that would develop if she saw how close our daughter and I are. She grew up with 2 father figures, and neither of them were an ideal relationship. One of them (her real father) is a great guy, but was hardly present, because her own mother ALSO tried to keep her distant from him. The other father figure, her stepfather, who raised her more than her real father, was an abusive piece of shit. This is why I think my ex-wife is frightened to see me with our daughter for any extended period of time. She is scared of, basically, being consumed with jealousy, seeing our daughter have a father relationship she never had herself. A relationship she always craved.
If she ever spent a whole day seeing me interact with our daughter, and she saw how our daughter clings to me and plays with me … she would finally see, in real time, what a colossal cunt she was to ever try to keep us from each other. She would see how much happiness our daughter has being with me; happiness that she tried to prevent her own baby from having.
When I’m picking up our daughter, every time without fail, she has always run up to me, with a big smile on her face. That is, whenever her mother or great-grandma doesn’t physically hand her to me. If they let her come to me herself, she runs to me, every time, without fail. But even better: Lately, whenever I pick up our daughter to begin my 4 days-per-week with her, once she runs up to me, she has started squeezing me as tight as she can, and she buries her face into my chest like she never wants to let go.
Children don’t do that with someone they feel uncomfortable with. They ONLY do that with people they adore AND feel safe with.
Four days, every single week, our daughter is in my care. That’s four days, every single week, that she depends on me in every way. Not once have I dumped that responsibility on someone else just so that I can have time to myself for fun, or even for a break. The only time I’ve left her with a babysitter is when I have to work.
So, let’s sum up everything I’ve said here in this part: Our daughter is with me 4 days every week, she loves me, she’s feels completely comfortable with me, and I am with her every minute of those 4 days unless I have to work.
Now here’s the last section before I reach the conclusion and combine all my points together…
Part 4: The Kind of Husband I Was
I have never claimed to have been a perfect husband. My biggest flaw as a husband was my insecurity, which most certainly damaged the quality of our marriage, and that was nobody’s fault but my own. My second-biggest flaw was not knowing what I was doing, in regard to the things I was trying to accomplish, like starting a business.
Still, without any reasonable doubt, I was a damn-good husband.
I remembered her birthdays, I remembered our anniversary, I showed her all the affection she could want, and most importantly, I did everything I could to improve our lives and I tried because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
Speaking of showing her all the affection she could want… At night, lying next to each other, I would sometimes embrace her with my arms and legs, like a full-body hug, and I would hold her like that until she fell asleep. Sometimes, while she was trying to fall asleep, I would start massaging her whole body, and not even to help her fall asleep; I did that simply because I just wanted to feel her touch. Since the literal-beginning of our relationship, every single time I felt her touch, I felt more alive. ONLY the person someone is in love with has the ability to do that.
In the car, if she was driving, I couldn’t hold her hand because she needed both hands on the wheel, and so I’d put my hand on her leg instead. And speaking of wanting to hold her hand, sometimes while we were watching one of her (cartoon) shows, I’d hold her hands and kind of play with her fingers.
But those things pale in comparison to the sheer fact that I married her in the first place because I loved her more than life itself. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I loved her so much, it frightened me. I tried starting a business during our marriage because I wanted us to have a good, comfortable life at some point with some peace of mind free of financial stress. Never before, in any previous relationship, did I try to do anything like that. Not even close.
It annoys me to no end that her family consciously chose to dislike me and actively looked for problems with me. For example, like one day she came home and her uncle (who we were living with) was standing there with me in the driveway, and I asked my wife if she wanted help bringing in all the stuff she was pulling out of the car. Sometime later, her uncle said he wanted to smack me for not helping her bring in the stuff. What I tried to explain to him was: She NEVER wanted that kind of help from me. I always offered, including that particular day, and she always insisted she didn’t need my help. (Like a feminist trying to feel empowered, like she don’t need no man.) What her uncle failed to realize was: In situations like that, I was respecting her wishes, NOT being neglectful of my wife’s needs.
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
Speaking of respecting her wishes, after our daughter was born, she insisted that I back off and let her do most of the caretaking. There was one or two times when I went against her wishes by trying to comfort our baby when she was crying, because I always believed our daughter needed to know Daddy was there, too. Of course, after our separation and divorce, and we went to court, she would claim that I wasn’t more involved in the caretaking because of not caring… Which utterly infuriates me to this very day. She fucking demanded that I let her do the caretaking! I can’t even write about that without getting pissed off. Not only did she lie about the caretaking aspect, but she also tried to make it sound like I ignored our daughter altogether, like I never even tried to talk to my baby or something. Does this idiot woman remember me singing, literally singing, to our daughter in the womb before she was born??
Again, I was not a perfect husband, but I did my absolute fucking best, even if it meant looking bad to everyone in order to respect her wishes, like not helping her get stuff out of the car, or almost-always letting her care for our newborn.
I was really fucking committed to the woman I loved more than I ever loved anyone before her.
Now, it’s time to get to my overall point with this post…
Final Part: The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Her
There is no possible way our marriage could have lasted forever. I could have overcome my insecurity (and for the most part, I did, during the last 3-ish months of our marriage), but there was still a problem that did not get any better:
Her own head.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much I loved her. Even now, after all the shitty things she’s done and continues to do, there’s a certain picture I have of her, where she’s lying on our bed smiling with the biggest smile I ever saw her make … and that picture still, to this day, melts my heart each and every time I look at it.
My love was not infatuation. My love was not a sexual desire to fuck a hot piece of ass. My love was genuine to the greatest degree.
Maybe at the beginning, she was just putting on an act (which I’ll get to very shortly), but whether it was or wasn’t, I know what I felt for her, and that feeling was a powerful fire. I loved damn-near everything about her. I never felt anything even close to that before, not even for my first love, who I was with from when I was 13 through 19. Yes, not even with her did I feel love so powerful. My decision to marry my ex-wife was no accident. My decision to have her be the mother of the daughter I always wanted, was no accident.
But a relationship cannot last if someone exaggerates unpleasant things that happened, like arguments (and there certainly were unpleasant moments between us), or remembers bad things that never happened at all. A person can’t make their relationship last if they can’t recognize reality at any given moment. Everything, and I do mean everything, that happens in her life is filtered through one of two things: 1), How she wants to perceive it, or 2), How her childhood damage forces her to perceive it.
That is her curse. Selfishness combined with damage. Neither of traits will ever go away.
A relationship cannot last if they put their partner in a damned-if-they-do-and-damned-if-they-don’t situation constantly. A relationship cannot last if your partner never loved you in the first place.
When I remember how we started being together, it’s actually similar, in essence, to the relationship we have now: She was using me back then, and she’s using me now. When we first started, we were just friends living together because she needed a place to stay, refusing to go back to living with her abusive stepfather, and I was her only option. I think she agreed to be in a relationship with me because she wanted the attention that came with it; attention she never got from her own daddy (meaning stepfather). And she’s using me now, in the sense that she demanded “child support,” which everyone knows women use just to have an extra source of income. She splits expenses with her roommate, and she has plenty of pushover relatives. She doesn’t need to be a parasite on my neck, but she’ll never stop.
My ex-wife married a man who:
- Was completely committed to her, by never cheating on her, almost never even talking to other girls, spending all his free time with her, and working hard to build a future source of income for them.
- Is completely committed to his baby girl despite how exhausting, time-consuming, and financially draining it is.
- Always wanted a family of his own, considering his own broken upbringing, and chose to make that family with her.
- Never abused her, or tried to, or wanted to, despite her best efforts at mental gymnastics to make it seem so.
And yet, she still did everything she could to take our daughter from me, to take as much of my money as she could, and even once tried to get me jailed.
No matter how much the simps in her life who try to score points with her want to think I’m making this stuff up, the simple fact is, I’m not. I know we live in a time and society where if men deny being horrible, that somehow means they’re guilty…? But the truth is the truth. There are no versions of the truth. For years at this point, I have challenged my ex-wife to substantiate any of her serious claims against me. I’m still waiting for actual evidence to appear.
2 times we’ve been to court, and both times, our female judges did not even begin to believe her accusations. I’d also like to mention that both times she’s dragged me to court, she only brought her mommy as a witness. I personally think this is because the rest of her family (yes, even they) will not defend her bullshit under oath, because they know it’s bullshit.
Any woman who does this to a committed husband, with a squeaky-clean record, does not deserve a good man. They deserve to be alone for the rest of their life. If she did this to me, then we all know how much worse she’ll be to any other guy she gets in a relationship with. Maybe that’s why she hasn’t been in a full-blown public relationship since we separated: Guys would rather fuck her than commit to her. No guy in their right mind would want to commit to a woman who will betray him once it becomes most convenient. No guy in their right mind would want to commit to a woman who can’t recognize a good thing in front of her, or accurately remember anything when something does, sometimes, go awry.
She’ll never have a committed partner again, at least one as committed as I was.
But the most important reason I’m the best thing that ever happened to her is: I made her a woman, by making her a mother. She had no interest in becoming a mother. Most guys just want to fuck her, but I wanted her to be the mother of my child. She may permanently be a child mentally, but I brought her the closest she’ll ever get to being a true woman. I gave this bloodsucking leech a daughter, who will be the only person she’s got who is still devoted to her by the time she’s in her late-30s and beyond. Only her own child will have a soft-spot for her by that point. No man will be googly-eyes for her once she’s aged out, or “hit the wall” as they say. Once her beauty fades (and with women it fades very quickly), she’ll discover that guys suddenly don’t blindly side with her anymore. Not even Zekey Boy will want to by that point, unless he’s desperate enough to get laid.
Girls these days think they have all the time in the world. Hard truth is: Women have never, in human history, had all the time in the world to get their life together. Girls these days hit the wall before they know it, and they panic, but by then, it’s too late to fix their situation. Especially when they’re self-absorbed, like she is. Especially when they’re a broken mess, like she is. Especially when they are used goods, like she definitely is.
After all her years of wasting time, and living for herself, and doing nothing to fix her mistakes, and never making any real growth… She won’t be completely alone; she’ll still have her daughter.
Maybe my ex-wife will still have her mommy, I guess. Her grandparents sure as hell won’t be around forever. Her friends sure as hell won’t choose to stay in her life forever, because only family is that level of loyal, and even with family, it wanes over time. And it’s not like her aunts and uncles will go out of their way to keep hanging out with her. Her siblings will have kids of their own by then, and/or live far away. Once she’s in her 30s and beyond, just about everyone she knows will be focused on their own families and/or their own careers, and they won’t want to spend copious amounts of time with a 30-plus-year-old deadbeat leech.
But at least I did her a favor by lessening how much misery she’ll have, by giving her a child.
To close, I want to say: I don’t enjoy criticizing her, or pointing out these harsh truths. I speak them specifically because I don’t want them to be true. I want our family back together, and I’ll want that until the moment our daughter becomes an adult.
But my ex-wife is her own worst enemy. She can’t recognize a good thing when she has it. I STILL don’t think she knows what a precious gift our daughter is, in the long-term. And remember, she didn’t even care about having a child. She didn’t even care to land on a name to give our daughter.
Like a child, she thinks relationships have to be perfect. She may “know” already that relationships always need work, in a cliché kind of sense, but she doesn’t truly, truly know it.
She speaks of “trauma” when talking about being with me, or even being in my hometown. The funny thing is, I believe her, but not because I remotely agree with her reasons why. Someone who can’t think straight, because they were damaged as a child AND improperly raised, is going to get traumatized by small, insignificant things throughout their entire life. They will exaggerate every bad thing that happens to them. The night she provoked me, to get an excuse to leave me (story linked here), she probably was “traumatized” by me kicking her chair, which was by far the worst thing I ever did to her … and I still didn’t hurt her in that moment. But only someone who already carried tremendous, and I mean tremendous, emotional damage from childhood would find a single chair-kicking instance to be traumatic.
My older sister, for example, has had horrible things happen to her (things that have been confirmed, not just speculated), and I would bet a million dollars she would trade all of those experiences just to get her chair kicked one time, instead.
I have personally archived things my ex-wife posted on the internet from before she ever met me. She was, without any doubt at all, severely damaged before she ever met me.
My ex-wife was damaged long before she ever knew who I was. Then, I became a convenient scapegoat for that damage. That’s the perfect summation of all 5 years of knowing each other.
(I will write an epilogue to this post shortly)