Choices matter more than experience or intellect.
What do I mean by that? Well, everyone makes choices in life, and all choices carry risk. All choices. Never in life is there a guarantee of success. In fact, sometimes in life you can be successful at something, and then you wish you hadn’t been.
You cannot get experience without making choices, and intellect alone is useless. No matter how smart or stupid you are, if you don’t do anything with the wit you have, either because you can’t or because you don’t care to, then it’s useless.
You are your choices. Period.
This matters. Not just the subject matter, but my overall point about choice. We always have a choice.
In one of my recent posts, I talked about an elderly lady I knew who chose to keep her family together despite the fact her husband physically and verbally abused both her and their kids. He was also careless and neglectful. She chose to stay with him anyway, which I would not have agreed with, but nevertheless, it further proves that everyone always has a choice.
My ex-wife has, directly, in court and legal documents, admitted that I never struck her nor do I have any history of hurting anyone. She has also admitted that I never yelled at her. When we were married, I had a high opinion of her, so I know for myself that I never demeaned her (but I haven’t heard her admit that part yet. I hope she will admit that someday). My opinion of her only changed after I talked to her uncle and he said, “She’s always been immature,” and then something clicked in my mind. But anyway…
So… She admits I never struck her. She admits I never yelled at her. And she most likely knows I never demeaned/condescended her while we were together. Yet, despite all of this, she insists … absolutely insists … that I was abusive, and not just abusive, but so abusive that it is beyond forgiveness.
Anyone who was in a relationship who did NOT ever once experience an object being thrown at them, a physical assault, being starved, being falsely imprisoned, being physically forced against their will to do something, being physically restrained against their will, being cut off from their loved ones (by their partner not allowing them to have their own phone/vehicle/social media), being silenced through force and/or intimidation, and knows their partner has never done any of these things to anyone else, does not have an excuse for breaking up their family.
I’ll reiterate: Anyone who was in a relationship that had NONE of the above instances occur, and they know their partner didn’t do any of these things to anyone else, does not have an excuse for breaking up their family.
Add in the fact that I never cheated on my wife, nor ever came close. Add in the facts that I am not a smoker, not a drinker, not a criminal, not a con artist, not a gambler, and not a disturber of the peace in any way, nor have I EVER been any of those things.
She has claimed that I once threatened her (though she never said this in court, surprise surprise). As delusional as it is to believe that (because I have never believed in making threats), even if you pretend that were true, it still wouldn’t change the fact that I never once acted upon it. Something my ex-wife is too stupid to understand is: Men who are violent like that, 1) Will just do it instead of only ever saying they will, and 2) Already have a history of being violent like that. Just ask anybody who has ACTUALLY been in an abusive relationship.
Selfish intent and mental gymnastics are all you’ve got if you lack ANY of the hallmarks of being in an abusive relationship.
When it comes to the night I kicked her chair, there is one fact that is paramount to all the others: I only kicked her chair; I did not touch one square-inch of her body. Not to mention, this happened at the very end of our marriage. Not to mention, I only kicked her chair after she wittingly provoked me, which I describe in detail, with some evidence, in this post here. Additionally, that event took place AFTER she already told me she was done with our marriage. That event took place AFTER she walked upstairs one morning to tell her aunt and uncle that she was going to leave me.
When I say she was looking for an excuse to leave me so that her family would not object, that’s what I’m talking about.
My point is: Her choice to break up our family was completely, 100% made out of selfish intent. The evidence proves it.
Most men are just like me, with no record and no past instances, and yet many, many men are still forced to endure their wife splitting up their family and then using every tactic in the book to appear as though they are completely right.
No matter how much she lies, the truth always wins, and this is why I have our daughter 4 days every single week. With her own mouth she admitted her selfish intentions (and she still thinks it’s her lawyer’s fault she didn’t get her way). But even if she hadn’t kept digging a hole in court with her own words, the evidence still overwhelmingly matches what I say about this subject.
I want our family together. That has ALWAYS been what I want.
Even now, as I draw closer to being with someone with far better character than I ever thought my ex-wife had … I still believe our family needs to be together, and I always will. My ex-wife wants to live for herself, and use our daughter to make that easier. Free money, free attention, discounts, and deflecting any criticism she gets by crying, “I’m a poor little single mother who has an eeeeevil ex-husband!”
Choice. That’s all this ever was. Choice. Plain and simple. None of her actions were ever necessary or the right thing to do. And right this very moment, she’s always had a choice to fix what’s broken, but instead she chose to end it entirely and permanently.
She never had to leave me. Her safety was never in danger, her freedoms were never restricted, she was never cheated on, she was never ignored or neglected by me. My issues as a husband were insecurities and failures, both of which were very fixable. I would never have insisted that we live with her aunt and uncle, for half our entire marriage, if any of those things took place or if I had anything to hide in general. She never even used the word ‘abuse’ until about one month before our divorce trial a year later.
And speaking of choice, this will be the last thing I talk about in this post:
I may have spent 4 months out of our 26-month relationship without a job, and even during the other 85% of our marriage that I was employed, I still didn’t make a ton of money … but none of that was in vain. I spent those 4 months writing books. All the other months, I spent hundreds of dollars, possibly a couple thousand dollars, trying to start a business. Point is: I may have failed, but I still made the choice to try. And even THEN, once I started to accept that my business was never going to get off the ground, I switched gears and started to save up money instead, BEFORE our marriage ended.
I fucking tried. I really fucking tried. And if my ex-wife still left me, after all the things in this post I described that I did, and didn’t do, then that is her colossal loss. It’s her choice, but it’s a selfish choice that is destructive to our daughter’s development. My ex-wife can make the choice to live the rest of her live dwelling in her own delusions and self-pity. After 2 years of her bullshit, and decades more of it to come, I’ve earned the moral right to despise her.
Not to mention, I gave her the greatest treasure and joy she’s ever had … which she didn’t even want until she held that treasure in her arms for the first time.
Relationships are always hard – there is no such thing as a perfect partner; certainly not myself – but instead of growing together, she chose to just throw it away, instead of putting in the work to make our relationship at least … resemble … a perfect relationship.
Because any effort is too much work.