This will sort of be 2 posts in one. I’m going to provide a prime example, from my personal life, of exactly what I mean when I say that real women bring people together, and that’s precisely what makes them real women. In the second part-ish I will talk about the paradigm of ex-wives in general.
I’ve talked plenty about the immature, selfish shit my ex-wife has done, but now I’m going to give an example of someone from the complete opposite end of the spectrum. The opposite of the ex-wife paradigm.
There is one relationship I’ve hardly ever talked about on this blog, and that is the relationship I had with Shelby, who was 16 years older than me. Why? Because that relationship was 100% mistake, in which I gained absolutely nothing positive from it… or, so I thought. I had an epiphany very recently about one thing positive I did get from it, and ironically, it didn’t come from Shelby herself, but rather, from her mother.
Her mother, named Jan, was a lot like the grandma I used for this post’s picture (above). She is the greatest example of a real woman I’ve ever personally known; an example of a woman who brings people together too much. Yes, you read that correctly: Too much. Even water, as necessary as it is, can be poisonous if you drink too much of it. Jan was like water, in this regard. She was too much of a real woman.
Jan’s husband – Shelby’s father (whose name I forgot) – was abusive in almost every sense of the word. Not “abusive” in a mental-gymnastics sort of way, where you have to use warped logic and fabrications to make the relationship seem abusive. No, this guy was full-blown abusive. He beat Jan, he beat his kids, he cheated on Jan regularly, he yelled at his family, he said degrading things to his family, and he was neglectful toward Jan and his kids in how he wasted his money on substances like alcohol and cigarettes.
Jan never left him.
She never left him, she never replaced him. Nor did she ever stoop to his level by becoming abusive herself, and she never even cheated on him as payback or even just to cope.
And when I say she never left him, I really mean never. To this day (at least when Shelby and I were together 6 years ago), Jan was still married to this guy. She had EVERY justification in leaving him and taking the kids. It’s one of the rare, rare examples where I’d fully agree with the wife taking off with the kids. Imagine being a mother watching your husband beat your children, or telling them they are worthless. Imagine being a mother and watching your husband force your kids to leave the house before they’re even adults yet (which he also did).
Don’t get me wrong, Jan didn’t live with him when Shelby and I were dating, but they were still married, and Jan never looked for another man. She didn’t start living somewhere else until the kids were all out of the house (whether by their own choice or not). Makes me believe she stuck it out for the sake of her kids, but I can’t be sure what she was thinking. She lived alone when I personally knew her, but she still went to family events, big and small, whether her husband was there or not. Yep, she still freely allowed him to be around her, no problem, despite the literally-decades of hell he put her through.
What epiphany did I have from remembering all this about Jan? I realized: It’s always a choice. Always. Even when you should leave, like Jan, it’s still a choice whether you do or don’t. It’s still a choice, and you can always choose to find a way to make things work.
Was it easy for Jan to stay with her husband? No possible way it was easy to go through that. Yet, she still chose to. I wouldn’t have approved, but it’s still a choice. You can choose to make it work, or choose not to.
Technically, things worked out between Jan and her husband. Her husband changed. I don’t know when, but he did change eventually. When I knew the guy, he wasn’t a monster. Shelby told me he turned everything around at some point, but nobody was sure how or even why. But, still, the important takeaway is that things worked out between Jan and her husband; it just required them to live apart. But they are still married, and still socialize, and are still a parental presence for their kids. I wouldn’t have blamed Jan for never wanting to be around him again, but that never became the case. She eventually lived separately from him, but that’s it.
I can’t emphasize enough how much I would not have approved of Jan staying with the guy, but it still doesn’t change the fact she didn’t leave, and they still raised their kids together, and they still are married, and they still, generally, coexist.
While I think Jan made the wrong decision in staying with this guy, I still commend her for it. She swallowed her ego and accepted that she chose this guy, chose to make kids with this guy, and giving up was never an option in her mind. I can’t imagine she was doing very well mentally while all this was happening, but she still chose to put others first … including her piece-of-shit husband. She should have left for the sake of her kids …, but I don’t know … maybe she thought her husband will always be their father no matter what, and she figured leaving wouldn’t fully fix the problem? I don’t know what she was thinking.
All I do know is Jan was very sweet when I knew her. She was not judgmental, she was not bitter, and she most certainly was not an entitled princess. From everything I saw myself, and from what Shelby told me about her mother, Jan was always like that. She was born to be a mother and grandmother.
I’ve had another epiphany recently. After pondering Jan’s example for a while, I came to realize that “ex-wife” is a paradigm all on its own. What I mean is: It takes a certain kind of personality to be an ex-wife in the first place, and, on the flipside, it takes a certain kind of personality to fit the “grandma” paradigm as well. I’ve reached a point in life where I can detect an ex-wife from a distance, without ever needing to ask a single thing about her past. Same with women who have the soul of a “grandma,” even if they are young; I can detect that easily, too.
(And when I say “Ex-wife paradigm,” I am not referring to ex-wives whose husbands left them first. And I’m certainly not talking about widows. I’m strictly talking about women who left their husbands.)
When you think of what a “grandma” is, you think of a sweet, elderly woman who loves family gatherings, loves seeing her grandkids, is almost infinitely-forgiving, is always cooking more food than anyone can eat, etc. That doesn’t happen by accident. When any elderly woman fits the “grandma paradigm” perfectly, it’s because she was always like that. You never see a bitter, selfish bitch suddenly transform into a wonderful grandma in her senior years. No, they are always like that, even during their youth.
Just like Jan. Just like my Aunt Lana.
Have you ever noticed that any elderly woman who perfectly fits the “grandma” paradigm has never been divorced? I can’t think of a single example in my own life of that happening. Maybe they are widowed, but they are never divorced. That word has never been part of their past. And this is also no accident.
It takes a certain kind of … soul … to be a true mother/a true grandma, just like it also takes a certain kind of soul to belong to the ex-wife archetype.
Everyone is stupid when they’re young. Everyone is immature. But a person’s soul never changes. My ex-wife was always destined to be a self-absorbed ex-wife, because of what kind of soul she has (if you can call it a soul). At her very core, she is immature and self-absorbed and addicted to self-pity, and that is the basis for all the mistakes she makes. On the opposite end of the spectrum is women like Jan, who have the soul of a true mother, a real woman, and a grandma. Sometimes souls like Jan’s choose the wrong partner, but they don’t break up their families anyway. My Aunt Lana was always destined to be a wonderful mother/grandmother who always brings people together, just like Jan, because that is the soul she was born with. Lana was lucky enough to get a wonderful husband.
This is why I’m 100% certain my ex-wife will never reach the level of maturity my Aunt Lana is at. Because Lana was never like my ex-wife. Not when she was 50, not when she was 20, not ever. Of course, I only realized this after my marriage ended; I never would have realized this while I was still married. Love is blind.
When I re-listen to the court cases with my ex-wife, and I’m reminded of how delusional she is, how selfish she is, and how she warps her own memories to what she wants her memories to be …, and when I also think about real women, like Lana, and like Jan……. it honestly makes me angry. Because I have never struck my ex-wife or my child. I don’t strike people; it’s never been part of who I am. I’ve never yelled at my ex-wife or my child. I don’t yell at people. I never cheated on my wife, I never insulted/condescended my wife (while we were married), and I didn’t ignore my wife nor have I ever neglected my role as a father. The entire reason we went to court was because I chose to fight back against my ex-wife’s attempt to separate me from my baby. It would have been very, very easy for me to give 100% parenting time to my ex-wife, and treat ‘child support’ as a monthly fee for abandoning my child, but I chose to be a true father. And all while I still have to throw money at her because of asinine biased state law.
Shitty women ruin lives. I got lucky in my fight against my parasitic ex-wife, but I honestly think it’s only because I’m honest with myself, and because I adore my daughter, and because I have a spotless record (with no substance abuse, crimes, or even bad habits like smoking). And I can’t help but think: What if I didn’t have a spotless record? I wouldn’t have gotten so lucky, because everybody knows how rigged our system is against fathers.
This is why I will keep talking about this subject, and why I will never stop feeling strongly about this subject. Men need to be warned. Men need to be aware of how far south everything can go, especially since the system is rigged against them, and most women (these days) are self-absorbed girls. Men need to be very careful who they fall in love with and give their life to. Because far too many women don’t deserve that kind of love and commitment. I learned the hard way just how blind love is.
I remember Jan as a real woman, and she deserved a loving, committed husband, but got a horrible one. My ex-wife had a loving, committed husband and, instead of truly working on our problems, decided to throw that away for childish and delusional reasons. She only considered marriage counseling after her family compelled her to do so, and she still gave up after only 2 or 3 sessions.
She’s forever a child.