I had an epiphany yesterday, and the more I think about it, the more I agree with it:
The best kind of people, and by that I mean the people who are truly better than all other people, are those who communicate, first and foremost.
I was thinking about all the conflicts in my personal life, and I was thinking about all the conflicts throughout all of human history. Most of them, if not every single one of them, could have been prevented with some proper communication. There’s something in humans, something very simple, that compels us not to communicate, but to instead lash out, and to be tribal. We are compelled by an innate desire for conflict.
People who communicate – people who choose diplomacy and mutual benefit and compromise – are people who have risen above their animal instincts. They are more evolved. They are superior.
No, I am not saying these people have no flaws …, but at least they can fix their flaws. People who communicate are not perfect, but they are superior.
As social animals, particularly social animals as reliant on tools as we are, we depend on each other for damn-near everything. Our knowledge as a species has been able to grow because we passed down our knowledge through writing, for future generations to see. Recording knowledge is a form of communication, which further reinforces the obvious fact that:
Communication is everything to our species.
It is the very thing that made us rise to be the dominant species of the planet. But on an individual basis, it makes us rise above the filth we see in others; the filth we see from the rest of the world.
Conflict only arises when at least one side refuses to communicate. Conflict only arises when at least one side refuses to seek mutual benefit. Conflict only arises when at least one side just cannot help but care about what they want at the expense of the other.
You cannot be a good communicator unless you have a heart in the first place.
Back in December, I wrote a post called Soulless, in which I described all the different reasons that it is undeniable that my ex-wife is soulless. I explained how it’s no longer opinion, it is virtually objective fact. I don’t bring this up for no reason; my ex-wife is the one who brought me this epiphany in the first place.
Even in court, when she did not have the option to lie, or the option to rely solely on her emotions to manipulate someone to give her what she wanted… Even then, my ex-wife refused to say the words, “I want to work together.”
Because even she couldn’t tell a lie of that scale.
She does not communicate, because she is not a good person. It kind of blows my mind that, for most of human history, people of a different race to themselves would call other races “less-evolved.” No, race does not matter. What matters, and what has always mattered, is social fabric. People most certainly can be “less-evolved” than others, but race has nothing to do with it, it is actually a matter of character.
Refusing to be tribal. Refusing to be driven by instinct. Refusing to be a stupid animal.
That’s what happens when people only cling to those who agree with them. That’s what happens whenever a disagreement results in shouting contests, or violence. It’s that less-evolved animalistic instinct taking over.
When I look back at times that my siblings (including my sister) would get in my face, trying to provoke me for whatever stupid reason it was that day, and I never once did the same to them… I’ve finally started looking back with pride for never stooping to their level. Same with my ex-wife’s stepfamily, like when her aunt Michelle would get in my face and give me a logic-bereft lecture, I never raised my voice, I never gave any physical cues to signal she needs to back off … nothing. Nothing at all. Idiots probably attribute that to cowardice, which makes total sense, considering none of these people are bigger than me…… No, it was self-control. Something I’ve always had, even as a child, and as a teenager.
There is only one time, in all my life, when my emotions and animal instincts got the best of me, and that was the night of November 5, 2018 when I kicked a chair. That was after my attempts at communication had broken down. Perfect track record otherwise.
Circling back to Michelle, in her defense, she was literally the only one in that entire dysfunctional family who attempted communication of any kind … with anyone else, me or otherwise. Unfortunately, when she did, it was only when she was in a position of power over me, like when I both lived in her home and worked for her. Before I lived with her or worked for her, she never once tried to have talks, and she didn’t after that, either. It’s something I noticed about her as a person: She lets a lot of people into her life, but she doesn’t let anybody get close unless she has some kind of power over them. But even when she sat me down to talk, she utterly failed at properly communicating. She has this habit of asking questions, allowing you to answer, but then completely ignoring what your answer was, and then she would say what she was already going to say.
She’s a therapist. It was like her training conflicted with her personality. She’s a terrible communicator – she never lets “conversations” end until she has you in (verbal) submission in some form – but at least she somewhat tried to communicate. Credit where credit is due. She still tries to communicate more often than my ex-wife does; it’s not even close.
Everyone can always get better, and that’s what I don’t want to be amiss with this post. If you have good intentions and a good heart, time itself will make you a better communicator. Time itself will make you more evolved. But some people, actually most people, don’t try to find solutions or common ground, they just want to win, and therefore they do not try to be communicators, they simply clash with everyone they don’t like.
Babies. You know why babies cry all the time? You know why toddlers whine all the time? Because their brains haven’t developed enough for them to be able to properly communicate. Crying and whining is their default way of communicating. This is why I lose all respect for full-grown adults who default to feelings and make demands and get impatient and can’t just sit calmly and talk. In my eyes, it’s like they are infants whose brains haven’t developed. I instantly lose all respect for any full-grown adult who lack the mental capacity to just sit and talk and seek common ground. And I see this behavior from all ages, even from people in their 70s.
I shouldn’t be more mature than people twice my age, for fuck sake.
I don’t claim to be a therapist, but in the next post, I will go over how to properly communicate, based on what I’ve learned from life experience.