Communication in a relationship is not only just important … it’s EVERYTHING.
Sometimes in life, it’s incredible how much you can learn from such a tiny detail. Like what Sherlock Holmes said in his titular 2009 film, “The little details are by far the most important.” (Now, this is true, but it’s also very easy to misinterpret, or overinterpret, tiny details, so it’s something you have to be careful about.)
That being said, I’ll never forget how hilarious it was, and simultaneously disturbing, for the guy my ex-wife is now with to tell me, “It’s no wonder you can’t get laid.” Just those few short words revealed so many things at the same time. So many things. For one, it told me that she is not only interested in a guy who is still mentally a boy (who thinks sex is some kind of achievement), but that she is willing to be with a boy despite the fact she is a mother who should take her choice of partners very, very seriously. Another thing it revealed is that she tells this guy everything, even things that aren’t remotely his business whether he’s fucking her or not. I’ll focus on that particular thing.
What he was referring to when he said, “It’s no wonder you can’t get laid,” was a particular text I sent my ex-wife in early October 2020 when she and I were arguing about who we bring our daughter around during our parenting times. In that text, I told her that I like the company I already keep (meaning I don’t feel the need to add friends into my life for no reason), and that she was the last person I had slept with or wanted to sleep with. Of course, this was a few months back from now, when that was still true. But since her boy toy opened his mouth, he revealed exactly how she interpreted my words there. She interpreted my words to mean, “I haven’t slept with anyone since you, because I just can’t get laaaaaaid.” (That’s the caliber of intelligence I should always expect from her.)
I literally told my ex-wife she was, at the time, the last person I even wanted to sleep with. I’ve explained in a recent post or two why that was the case, but I’ll reiterate it now. For two years, as much as I hated my ex-wife, I still held out hope that she would grow up, I held out hope that she would take her role as a mother seriously (instead of just using it for conveniences and advantages and attention). Basically, I was holding out hope that she would realize all the things she was dead-wrong about, and forgive, which I myself needed to do and later managed to do, and we’d all be a family again. Just in case (I repeat: Just in case) that was going to happen, I waited and waited to give in to that biological urge of mine.
She really is too stupid to realize how absolutely rare it is for a man, who has never had trouble getting sex, to intentionally hold out, even though he has no religion prohibiting him from it, and especially toward a woman whom he’s not even with anymore. A woman he hates. How often do men do that … seriously? During our marriage, she outright told me, “I KNOW you would never cheat on me.” She seriously doesn’t realize how rare it is for men to have so much self-control.
Men in general are only as loyal as their options. Women too, for different reasons, but men are built to spread their seed. Our bodies are sperm factories. Even the few men on Earth who can control their urge for a very long time, like myself, still carry that need nonetheless.
Anyway… All of this relates to the very thing that destroyed our marriage in the first place: A lack of communication, and her choosing not to understand me even when I have communicated with her clearly.
Despite all my efforts during our marriage to communicate – despite all the times I told my wife that we need to communicate – she still refused. She explained how she just … doesn’t do that, and how she prefers to let thoughts sit in her head until they go away on their own. When I think about how she interpreted my words (when I said I hadn’t been with anyone since her), when she SHOULD have understood them perfectly, it shows me something monumental:
She never knew me. Not then, not now.
Even when I outright tell her things, she still completely misses the point.
In a sense, she’s always known me. I’ve never been cryptic toward her. I’m not cryptic toward anyone. I’m the most blunt, honest person you’ll ever meet. But even when I say things outright, she still misses the point. Even when I spell it out for her, like, “You’re the last person I even wanted to sleep with,” she still interprets that as, “Nope, he’s always trying to get laid, but he can’t, because he’s such a control freak and a psycho, and I only fell for it because I was naïve and had no self-respect!” (These are things I’ve actually heard her say, indirectly.)
She’s always known me, but nothing she’s ever known about me has ever sunk in. And nothing has ever sunk in because she never cared to let it sink in. Like during our marriage when she said, “I KNOW you would never cheat on me,” and yet, she completely failed to understand why I hadn’t slept with anyone else for nearly two years after she left me. There are COUNTLESS things she should understand, very easily, that she chooses not to accept at all.
She WANTS to think she fell for me because she was just young and stupid. No, she got damned lucky with me. I will always have improvements to make, and I certainly did back then, but I’m still leagues above the average guy. But she wants to think I’m worse than a typical guy – she wants to believe I’m among the lowest. Never mind that I have no history of criminal offenses or substance abuse. Never mind the fact I only keep the best company, of people who also have no history of shitty behavior. Never mind the fact that I chose to marry my wife, instead of just fucking her for a few months (while cheating on her) and ditching her once I got bored or something. Yes, never mind ALL of those obvious facts, and just blindly believe I’m a terrible person.
Despite my mistakes and flaws, the biggest problem between us was never me, it was, and still is, her own immaturity. Her inability to communicate, her inability to recognize her own problems… Since she is immature, she NEEDS me to be the villain, and of course she enthusiastically jumped onto the word “abuse” once someone put that idea in her head. I’ve known women who have actually been beaten, and cheated on, and even threatened to be killed by their husbands, who STILL never went around telling people about what a victim they are, whoring for attention like that from the government, from family, or from boys.
(It amuses how she thinks guys believe her and agree with her, as if that’s what they really think. She doesn’t think for a moment that they only agree with her because they want something from her. Gee, I wonder what that ‘something’ could possibly be….)
After all I have learned, I have come to believe something very simple: Relationships ONLY fail when at least one of them does not truly love the other. Period. Because when you truly love someone, you will be compelled to find a way to make it work, and you won’t give up. Always. You will try to communicate, even if you prefer not to. You will choose to take some time apart from each other (if you really have to) instead of abandoning the relationship altogether. You will never cheat, and you will never be secretly interested in someone else. Society for the past couple of decades has been trying to believe that love isn’t enough in relationships… No, love IS enough, because it is the basis from which all necessary steps to preserve a relationship come from.
My marriage was a lie, because my ex-wife never loved me. THAT is why she never tried to communicate with me. And this is also why I say my ex-wife doesn’t truly love our daughter, either, because if she did, she would do EVERYTHING in her power to stay with me, to properly communicate with me, and if we still somehow failed (even though I know we wouldn’t have), at the very fucking least, she’d try to be friends and work together with me while we raise our daughter in separate homes. She still, to this day, does not even attempt any of those things.
My ex-wife never wanted to believe anything she knew about me, like how loyal I am, and how hard I try to do what is right, because there was no profit in truly understanding me. She saw great opportunity in destroying our marriage, trying to steal our child, and portraying herself as a victim, and that’s why she will never reverse course. The only thing that would make me no longer hate her is if she reversed course and let us be a family again. Someone who is causing so much damage to their child, all because of their ego and immaturity, does not deserve positive feelings.
In conclusion, I will say this:
The biggest red flag in any relationship is your partner not even trying to communicate with you constantly. It’s not the only thing you ought to pay attention to, don’t me wrong, but I believe it is the biggest. If they are content in just dwelling on their own thoughts, and if they respond to your own questions with, “Just because!” or childish nonsense like that… Your relationship is a lie. They don’t love you, they are only with you to use you for something, either now, or down the road.