Forever Thankful

I am, and always will be, thankful for everything that happened between my ex-wife and I, both before and after our separation, but especially after.

Until she improves, I am still angry with her, and I still despise her, but it is because I am angry with and despise her that I am so thankful. It is because she is a self-serving parasite that I am thankful.

She did something no one else could. She is the only person (before our daughter was born) that I loved so intensely, and she is also the only person I have hated so intensely. They say men test ideas, and women test men. My ex-wife has been my greatest test of character. The test was: If I am pushed to my limit, will I remain a good person, or will I become the very filth I hate?

I fell in love with her the moment I first laid eyes on her. And she was a wonderful wife. She was a wife I was too immature to deserve. But she changed when we separated. Not entirely – they way she left her first boyfriend (whom she said made her happy and was her best friend) was the same way she left me, which was cold and heartless and shameless – but apart from things like that, she very much changed. She became the polar opposite of amazing. The more I listen and watch everything I have recorded of our interactions since she and I separated, the more this gets confirmed.

And despite how despicable she became, I never snapped. I never compromised my moral code. I never gave up trying. Most importantly, I never walked away from my baby even when it all became overwhelming.

The night she left me, when she childishly avoided me the whole night, unprovoked, and then after she stopped avoiding me, started messaging another guy right in front of me, then when I asked her why she’d do everything she’s doing, she said she doesn’t care that it bothers me…, that was when I partly snapped.

And that was the closest in all my life, before or since, that I have ever come to truly snapping.

I had never felt that level of anger before, and it became a moment of weakness for me. I am so, very thankful that was the closest I have ever gotten to truly snapping, because even that night, I didn’t hurt her, I only kicked her chair. But more importantly, that night was training of sorts. It showed me that I need to start preparing for this “woman” to intentionally piss me off in the future. And oh has she.

As we all know, after that night, she made me far, far more pissed off, and for far longer than just a moment. It was only after we went to court, where she mostly lost, that she started behaving herself somewhat. She had to be forced to behave. But my point is, for all the time she was tyrannical, and for all the time she refused to try to make things work (which has lasted to this very day), I never lost control of myself, to any degree, ever again.

Now, I look back at kicking her chair with pride. Because I never did anything worse than that, or even the same as that, after that night (or before). When I think about all the things she has done, and all the things other people have done that were far, far, FAR worse than just kicking a chair, and they did those things without provokation… Yes, I do think I can find pride in this. I never did worse, even though my anger skyrocketed past what it was that night 2 years ago. And even still, when I kicked her chair, I didn’t kick any part of her body. So, even at my absolute closest to truly snapping, I still didn’t cause harm.

But I’m not just talking about that damned chair. I want to drive home the fact that I stayed committed. I still tried my hardest to make things better. For the first few months, when she was a tyrant, I still stayed on target. Up to this very day, I never stopped trying to make her see reason, and I tried multiple types of approaches to the situation (mainly because my own emotions were taking different forms just to cope with the situation, but still). She gave up very quickly. She is a very selfish person. But I stayed true to what was best for all of us, even if she didn’t.

This is what makes me better than her. She thinks I’m the messed up one because I didn’t bend over and take it this whole time, and because my opinion of her changed and I’ve been very open about it. See? Conceited as fuck. She is a very conceited person, lightyears beyond what women should be. In her mind, she has done nothing substantially wrong, and only I have, and I only have because I didn’t do things how she wanted me to. I didn’t suck up to her, I didn’t bow my head in submission and say “yes ma’am,” or anything like that, and that is why she thinks I’m the despicable one. (Same reason her sycophants don’t like me.)

At least I didn’t gave up on my family and my marriage vows. Seriously, people who never improve themselves always wind up miserable in their old age. When her older family members start dying off from old age and illness, and they can’t enable her shitty personality anymore, it still won’t occur to her that she needs to change. And her boy toys! Oh wow. Once she’s no longer young and hot, she’ll notice how boys only blindly sided with her and told her everything she wants to hear because she could make their dicks happy (whether in a fantasy or real life).

I’ll never apologize for being real, I’ll never apologize for being honest. That’s another thing she and her sycophants want to pin on me. They want to say I’m a bad person because I ‘say mean things.’ No, I say honest things. What they’re unable to comprehend is the fact my honesty would look very different if she were a better person. But positive or negative, I am an honest person. If the truth stings, then good, it should.

I was the one who tried. Most men would have snapped and done something criminal, or would have walked away, but I did neither! Despite my admitted flaws, I have proven I am a good person, I have proven to be a committed husband and father. She, on the other hand, is self-serving and conceited. All she can understand in this world is what she wants and how to get what she wants. She physically cannot understand anything else. And this will be my perception of her until she improves herself. But we all know hell will freeze over before that happens.