This is a completely personal post. No real lesson included…
Every so often, I dig in to my archives of all the interactions I’ve had with my ex-wife since we separated. I do this so that I make sure I know what I’m talking about when I say what she has done, or hasn’t done. Most times, I only revisit the recent stuff. But if I feel brave (because it still has a heavy impact on me), I revisit the beginning of this mess. Every recording I have from those beginning days confirms one thing over and over…
They confirm I was calm, and tried to be reasonable, and she was a tyrant.
It reminds me of the past half-a-year, when I would go many weeks in a row being absolutely nothing but kind to her, and she would once again become shitty. That’s not a recent development; that has been her style since the literal beginning of this mess.
That’s why I wrote her an open letter (which I might unlock for non-friends and non-family to read). I wrote her that open letter to point out this fact to everybody: She has indeed been shitty from the very beginning, and has made no effort, at all, to remedy the past or even simply be at peace with each other.
That’s why she disgusts me so much. It’s not because she’s my ex; not at all. It’s because she truly, truly became a shitty person after we separated and divorced. I can prove it, and the next time we are in court, I will hopefully have an excuse to present a montage – a literal montage – of all the times I was good to her and she was shitty.
I have finally come to accept a certain fact: The reason we separated in the first place was mostly my fault, but the reason we stayed separated is 100% her fault. She never wanted things to work out. She lies to everybody around her, saying that she tried, but she did not. The fact she has lied so much to everybody has only made me more angry with her.
So, what if we went down the other path? What if she had remained the wonderful person I married, even after we separated? Here is what I am certain would have happened. There will be 2 scenarios: One will be if we never got divorced, and the other will be if we still had gotten divorced.
If We Never Got Divorced
We would have stayed apart for a minimum of 6 months regardless. How do I know that? Because that is what I personally needed. I didn’t realize I needed it, until after that span of time passed. I needed space from her for one simple reason: I, too, had some immaturity to overcome. I needed time to no longer be terrified of the thought of her being with another guy. More importantly, I needed time to see what I had done wrong during our marriage.
Shortly before we separated, we were lying in bed together, and I rolled over and told her I was thinking if I should move out. She reacted sharply to this. She was terrified of the thought. But my point is that I knew even before we separated that we need space for a bit.
So, back to the hypothetical… If we’d had our space for about 6 months, then what? We would have been reunited. But then, and I am just being totally honest here, our problems would have resurfaced again in maybe 1 or 2 years…
This is why I wanted to tell 2 scenarios. Because the other scenario is the only one that would have truly made us live happily ever after…
If We Had Still Gotten Divorced
I think she and I still needed to get divorced. As strange as it sounds …, I think I wouldn’t have, personally, ever truly known how much I loved her without divorce. If we both were no longer morally obligated to remain faithful to the other.
Yes, I fell in love with her as soon as I first laid eyes on her, and yes, I somehow knew she would be the love of my life whom I would marry, and she would be the mother of my daughter. But fear is a powerful thing. Like I said earlier, and in previous posts, I was terrified of her, because I loved her so damn much. In other words.
Love needed a chance to overcome all fears. And nothing could have created a better circumstance in which all my fears come true, and I still love her. I wasn’t just afraid of her cheating on me, I was afraid of no longer being loved by her in the first place. I needed to learn, the hard way, how to truly get rid of my fears.
In case I am still not making sense, I will tell you what would have happened if we got back together after still getting divorced.
First and foremost, I wouldn’t ask her whom she had slept with while we were apart. Not on the first day, and not 10 years later. Never. I would never ask her that question. I would never worry about it. Why wouldn’t I worry about it? Because I already suffered the pain of losing her, and the pain of our family being broken. I wouldn’t give two shits because it would have been nothing compared to what already took place…
And then, I would do everything in my power to right my wrongs. Not just with everyday things, but with major decisions, starting with getting married. I would wait many months, to almost even make her forget about the subject. Then, I would surprise her with the most romantic proposal I could think of. How is this a correction? Because back when I asked her to marry me the first time, I brought her to a romantic location, but the way I asked her was very casual. I did that on purpose, because I wanted to ask her in a way that said, “You said you could be with me forever, and I know I want to be with you forever, so you wanna just make it formal?” Like it was something we already decided on, kind of. But no, this next time I ask her to marry me would be in a way she’d never forget. A special proposal for the most special woman I’ve ever known.
And then the wedding would be every. little. bit. as she would want it to be. If she would want it to be expensive or not, grand or small, lots of people or no people at all, it would all be her choice. I wouldn’t want to risk it being anything she wished it had been the first time. Also, I just wouldn’t care if it was a huge wedding, because once again, I already went through hell, and shit like my wedding-size preference just wouldn’t matter to me at all.
Notice a pattern? Going through hell would change everything. Because almost nothing could possibly compare to what divorce already made us go through.
I could go on and on, I really could, but I think I’ve already made my point. Going through hell makes the insignificant shit that I over-concerned myself with irrelevant and meaningless. A lot of the insignificant stuff was already, well, insignificant, and I was too immature to realize it the first time around.
But as we all know, my ex-wife was dead-set on remaining apart from the very beginning, sabotaging any and every possible chance things could get better between us. She doesn’t want me to be nice to her, or sweet, or generous. She just wants me out of the way, plain and simple. She left me in the same way she left her first boyfriend, whom she said was ‘the only person who ever made her happy’ and was her best friend. That guy. She left him the same way she left me. That’s the kind of person she is. Once she no longer needs you, you are completely worthless as a human being in her eyes, forever on.
She doesn’t care that it would be better for our daughter. She doesn’t care that I would be 10x the husband I was before. It literally cannot be overstated how much she doesn’t care. She will do what she wants to do. Period.