This will be my last post outright talking about my ex-wife. However, like always, I will attempt to make it something anyone reading this can learn from.
Weakness is no excuse for being a shitty person.
I have done an excessive amount of thinking in the past two years that my ex-wife has made sure our family stays broken. I have tried looking at this entire situation from every possible angle. I have introspected about what I did wrong, I have tried to see all the different possibilities to explain her actions. I’ve finally concluded: Intentions don’t matter, what matters is actions. It’s not a person’s thoughts that make them good or bad, it’s their actions. You could be the most racist person to ever walk the Earth, but if someone belonging to a race you hate showed up at your front door injured and hungry, and you provided them shelter and food, then it doesn’t matter if you secretly hate them for their race.
My ex-wife’s actions are all that matter, and her actions have been almost entirely reprehensible. What good has she done for our baby apart from the bare minimum of keeping her fed and sheltered? For 100% of the time we’ve been separated, she’s been surviving off freeloading, or from splitting expenses with someone else. For 100% of the time we’ve been separated, she’s ignored or sabotaged my attempts at making peace and remedying the past. When I think about the future, I wonder: What could she possibly teach our daughter? Could she teach the importance of communication, or commitment, or humility, or forgiveness? No, not by a long shot. Or, hell, could she even teach our daughter things like how to change a tire? Very doubtful. (And I base that on a conversation I once had with her.)
Let’s look at her actions, from all the way back to before we separated…
Before she left me, she became cold and distant, and vehemently refused to talk about why. Not to mention, she gave up on our marriage without wanting to go to marriage counseling (and we only went to counseling because her family told her to at least do that much). And not only did she refuse to communicate, but I’ve heard from multiple reliable sources that she’s been lying about that very subject, telling people that she always tried to communicate. Un-fucking-believable.
Since we separated…
I have gone many weeks straight, two different times, where I have been nothing but kind to her, and even sweet and generous; not to mention, genuinely apologetic for the things I know I’ve done wrong (which I never took back, by the way). How did she act when I was kind and generous? She got worse. Not the same, worse. I really hope I get a chance to show that phone call where she basically harassed me for two hours straight. A few months earlier, in August, during that first period of time where I was nothing but kind to her, she chose to bitch and bitch at me over the phone, and when I asked her why she was being so shitty in that moment, she said, “This is the best I can do.”
I believe it. This IS the best she can do. All of her shitty decisions and shitty behavior … yes, I most certainly agree that this is the best she can do.
She made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t want things to improve between us, so I completely gave up being kind and patient with her. After continuing to sabotage progress, I threw my hands up. Now, she denies this is what she wants, but it’s funny she can’t say what she does want. It’s just another lie: She clearly wants things to be in the shitter between us, so I granted her wish once and for all.
She refused to communicate while we were together, and even said at one point that she doesn’t believe in communication, ‘because her way of dealing with things is by keeping them inside and waiting for them to go away on their own.’ I still cannot believe she actually said that…
She has shouted at me when our daughter was only a couple feet away, she has called me ‘the babysitter’ directly (literally directly) to our daughter, she has called our daughter ‘a little shit’ on two occasions…
The night she left me, she provoked me by avoiding me at all costs (if I was in one room, she immediately went to the other room), and then she started messaging another guy directly in front of me. And then when I asked her why she’d do something that she knew would bother me so much, and I asked her if she just doesn’t care anymore, she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Yeah, I guess I don’t care anymore!” And yes, that’s when I lost my cool and kicked the chair she was sitting on.
Here’s what she tells people about that night: In her YouTube video talking about what happened that night, she claimed that the night I kicked her chair, it was because she approached me calmly and asked, very gently, if we could talk about how she feels disrespected, and that I kicked her chair because … I just didn’t want to start respecting her … or something?
The true story of what happened that night, combined with the fact she so egregiously lies about that night, is plenty of reason on its own to see her as a despicable person. THIS is why she made our family broken and has kept it broken. This is why our daughter must go back and forth between us for her entire childhood. THIS is the reason. She keeps our family broken because she refuses, with every fiber of her being, to acknowledge her part in what’s gone wrong. Recently, I texted her saying she needs to show everyone she indeed was talking to another guy that night (Nov 5, 2018), having known full-well about my insecurity problem, and that she needs to come clean about her lies. But chances are pretty good that she deleted that conversation, just in case anyone sees it. She tells everyone, including the government, that she left me on Saturday the 3rd, instead of Monday the 5th. Well, I will insert proof at the bottom of this post that we were still together on the night of the 5th.
Never apologizes (literally never), never acknowledges her own mistakes, does not try to communicate even to this day, and worst of all, sabotages every instance things between us could improve.
At some point, it doesn’t matter whatsoever why she’s behaved the same way for the past two years. In my deep thinking, I have considered if maybe she is emotionally devastated, I have considered if maybe she is just trying to ‘find herself’ like so many immature girls feel the need to do, and I have even considered the most unlikely: If she still loves me but is just terrified of it failing between us again. Trust me, I have looked at this from every angle I can imagine. Maybe I’ve missed a few angles still, but it doesn’t matter. Unless Jesus himself descended from heaven and told her the Earth would be destroyed if we all become a family again, it does not matter whatsoever why she’s behaving the way she has.
What I do know for sure is that her actions stem from weakness. I’ve always known she’s broken (by how much he talked about her shitty stepfather when we first got together). I knew she was broken, but I still saw her as a strong person. Oh my god was I wrong! My mistake during our marriage was not understanding just how weak she is.
Whatever the reason for her behavior is, she still has a moral obligation to be on good terms with the father of her child. Whatever the reason for her behavior, she has an obligation to her daughter to give her the healthiest possible childhood. She should know EXACTLY what’s wrong with her behavior, because her own mother gave her the exact same childhood – as in, leaving her father even though he’s a good person. She should know exactly what it’s going to do to her daughter to have the same experience, especially when a stepfather comes into the picture.
What is most damning is the fact that she rejected, yes rejected, my attempts to make things better. She. Did. Not. Want. It. When I was kind to her, she refused to be kind in return. I even asked her what she wants for Christmas and she said, “I don’t want anything from you,” before proceeding to say I could just give her more money if I want to give her something. So, literally, no matter her reason for being so shitty for the past two years, the sheer fact she rejected and sabotaged all my attempts to remedy the situation is proof, all on its own, that she does not want things to improve.
Whatever the reason for everything she’s done, being a weak person is no excuse. We all have weaknesses, no matter how strong we are, and everything I did wrong during our marriage was because of my own weaknesses, and I acknowledged all of it, and apologized for it. She’s never done either.
But when it comes to people who are weak at their very core… Weak people are always the worst people. I’ll be writing a post about that very soon. After you read that post, if you do, you will see why I think that being a weak person is 1), a choice, and 2), even more reason to be despised. We live in an age where being weak is glorified, and we think it justifies everything. You just gotta hold up that victim card and then you are freed from all responsibility.
No. Fuck no. It is no excuse.