Sometimes, a single word can accurately summate a person perfectly.
In my ex-wife’s case, it is the word soulless.
Now, for those reading this post having never read any previous post of mine, that probably sounds typical. You might be thinking, “Well, she’s your ex, so of course you think she’s soulless.” No, not remotely, actually. A failed relationship does not inherently make someone reprehensible, at all. Take my first love, as an example. My first love and I were together, off and on, from childhood until we were 19, and she cheated on me, but in hindsight, I attribute that action to how young we were, and that young people rarely know how to be loyal. (Doesn’t justify it, but it does make sense.) She did treat me like garbage, as I’ve talked about before, and that is certainly on her, but that doesn’t mean she was/is a soulless person. Just a bitch. She had redeeming qualities. It was her idea to go every Friday to help care for homeless people, and not to mention, one of the last things she ever told me (before leaving me) was that she wanted to be a missionary. She didn’t go out of her way to use me for something (except maybe attention), and she sure as hell didn’t ruin my life, or attempt to. So, was/is she soulless? Hardly.
So, just because someone is an ex, doesn’t mean they all get the same label. Now that that’s out of the way, I want to describe what makes my ex-wife truly soulless.
Let’s go through the list…
A Committed Father
Many, many women would kill to have the father of their kid(s) be even half as committed as I am. Not only that, but for the father not to be addicted to any substance as well, or living in some shared house with a bunch of screw-ups, or be able to keep people who could threaten his child away simply because of his size. My daughter is damn lucky to have me as a father, and my ex-wife wants to diminish that.
I have proven, beyond any doubt, that I am a committed father. The entire reason we went to court to get divorced, when the majority of divorces don’t involve a court trial, is because I want to be part of my daughter’s childhood. And my daughter needs her father. Her mother tried to make me a mere visitor who has no say in how she’s raised, and minimal involvement in her upbringing in general. We would never have gone to court if I wasn’t interested in being a father. We would never have gone to court if my ex-wife wasn’t greedy.
The fact alone that she ever, EVER, tried to rob her daughter of her father when he has always been so loving and committed to his baby, is reason enough to call my ex-wife soulless. But I’m just getting started.
There is no excuse for my ex-wife using the government to take money from me. I have proven to everyone, yes everyone, that I am a committed father. More importantly is the fact that I have our daughter with me three days out of every week, and after she turns three years old, I will have her for four days every week. I pay for every single cent that our daughter lives on when she is with me. I pay for all the food she eats, the medicine she takes, the heating that keeps her warm, the toys she plays with, the shows we watch together, the activities we do together to help her learn, the gas I use to take her places and to pick her up and drop her off with her mother, and of course, they very home I live in.
If my ex-wife had a soul, she’d want me to save as much as possible so that I can give our daughter the happiest and most comfortable environment when she is with me. I have expressed in court, and countless times over text, that I am happy to split expenses that both parents ought to split, such as medical expenses. And you know what? Maybe those would end up costing more every month than what I am paying in ‘child support,’ and I wouldn’t care if it did, because it’s about the principle of the situation. My ex-wife just wants my money, plain and simple. There is a more mature way of co-parenting with someone you’re no longer in a relationship with, but she made things this way, and keeps things this way, simply because she wants things to be this way. Period.
Not to mention, she curated all of this BEFORE she might have had any need for it. At that time, when ‘child support’ was established, she was living, for free, with her mother and stepfather, and our daughter’s health insurance was also free through the state. Not to mention, my ex-wife got other forms of free money at the time, like WIC. She did not need my money at the time, but seeking ‘child support’ was still her first and only course of action. She sought it before she had any potential need for it.
When I have brought this up to her, she has said she sought money from me every month to ensure that I ‘do my part.’ She said this even though she knows full well, absolutely and undoubtedly, that if we shared custody of our daughter, I would be equally as obligated to ‘do my part’ as she would be. In other words, I would be held MORE accountable for the wellbeing of our daughter if we had joint custody. But once again I say, she knows this, and she doesn’t care; she just wants my money, period, end of story.
How did she manipulate circumstances to lock in her free money every month for the next many years? Because in our state, if just one parent doesn’t want joint custody, then joint custody cannot be forced, and the one who gets sole custody is the one whom the child is more dependent on. Our daughter was only 8 months old when my ex-wife took off with her. All of this was on purpose.
I suppose it’s entirely possible that my ex-wife is so dimwitted that she thinks because something is called ‘child support’ then it automatically, no matter what, in all circumstances, means literal child support. Like the simpletons who think that because Antifa means ‘anti-fascist’ then there is no possible way that group can behave fascistically (which it does). Maybe my ex-wife really is just a simpleton and my criticism regarding this specific subject is actually kind of giving her intelligence too much credit.
Not once, literally not once, has my ex-wife made a single kind gesture towards me since she left me. Not a big, not a small one. No friendly gesture whatsoever. Not once.
Not a single “how are you?” Not a note or a gift as some sort of peace offering. Not a single offer to give me some of her time with our daughter. (I have offered her some of my time on many occasions.) Not a single “hello” when we meet to exchange our daughter. Not even a single request to discuss something.
She would do these things, more often than literally never, if she was a good person, or if she was a true mother. A good person and a true mother would want her family to be wholesome again. A good person and a true mother would never try to rob her daughter of her father. A good person and a true mother would repay kindness with kindness, for the sake of peace at the very least. A good person and a true mother would not take things to the utter extreme in place of simply talking things out, even if she is certain the discussion would go nowhere.
I have recorded hours and hours of evidence, and I started to shortly after she left me, because I had a feeling I would need to shield myself with proof. To the best of my ability, I have recorded every interaction she and I have had, from exchanging our daughter, to phone calls. I even have the audio of our court hearings. And because I have recorded so much, she has to be very careful with her lies. Yes, she still tells lies, but she knows her lies need to have some limits, because I will expose them. One thing that so much recording does is: Not only do recordings immortalize what happens between us, they also show what doesn’t happen.
And one thing that hasn’t happened, that all my recordings would prove has never happened, is that she hasn’t bothered doing a damned thing to make things better between us. Not to remedy what’s gone wrong, not to bring peace, not to bring civility. Not a damned thing.
Speaking of recordings… One day I pledged to my ex-wife that my frustration toward her would never get the better of me again. I pledged this because I believed she wanted it, and I finally grew enough, emotionally, for that to be possible. A few weeks after this, after flawlessly showing my ex-wife nothing but kindness despite the fact she hadn’t changed at all … she, well, hadn’t changed at all. In fact, she got worse. One night, I initiated a phone call so that we could discuss how to … discuss things. I was looking for a way that we can resolve issues so that she wouldn’t go straight to the government demanding I get locked up or something.
Oh yeah, she’s tried to have me arrested. Yep, that really happened.
But during that call, I showed no anger over the instances (plural) that I was trying to prevent from repeating in the future. I was calm, I was patient, I was gentle. What did she do? She refused to stay on topic, and persistently reminded me how much she doesn’t like me and how worthless I am in her eyes. This lasted for 114 minutes, which is just short of two full hours. Yes, for just about two hours, she refused to find a way for us to be diplomatic – the whole reason I wanted to talk – and instead chose to tell me, over and over, that I don’t matter to her at all and we will never truly get along.
Not once – I repeat: not once – did I get frustrated with her or lose my cool in any way, during the entire two-hour call.
If that alone, just that alone, does not prove she wants to be enemies and remain enemies, then I don’t know what else could prove it.
I’ve never been the type of person who loses their cool anyway. I’ve never had a temper. Which brings me to the next section…
Redefining ‘Abuse’ to Make It Apply to Me
By this point in time, my ex-wife has admitted that I never struck her, raised my voice at her, condescended her, made ‘rules’ for her during our marriage, or things of that nature. In fact, she has stated to me that she wishes I had done any one of those things so that she could have recognized my ‘abuse’ sooner.
But she still can’t say, outright, how I was an abusive husband, let alone explain how I was so, tremendously abusive that I am beyond forgiveness. And in addition to that, she can’t explain why her stepfather – who threw things at her, yelled at her, and treated her like she was the least important child he raised – gets to be forgiven while I was somehow so terrible, I can never be forgiven.
Everything is stretched, everything has to be redefined. She can’t have a victim card unless she does these things. Everyone knows I’m not the type of person who gets violent, who raises their voice, or who tries to control people. Everyone knows that she and I lived with her aunt and uncle for a year. If I was abusive, why didn’t her aunt or uncle ever call the police on me? Or why didn’t they step in and tell me to stop being abusive? In fact, why would they offer to let me live with them even longer, after my ex-wife and I already separated? Her uncle said, outright, that he wouldn’t have allowed me to live with them at all if I was dangerous, because his son and daughter lived there too. If I was abusive, doesn’t that strongly imply her relatives just sat back and watched it happen instead of defending her?
There are no hospital records, no police records, no video or audio recordings, and her family never intervened … because it’s quite easy to understand I was not an abusive husband. If someone must stretch the definition of ‘abuse’ in order for the word to apply, then you know they are full of shit.
Now, on a slightly different note, look at this…
This is something my ex-wife posted on her social media. I circled the date she posted this in red (August 11, 2014, in case it’s not visible enough) because that date is just shy of 2 years before I met her. So, in other words, she knew certain family members of hers were abusive before she was ever aware of my existence. And she still hangs around these people, including her stepfather. And let no one forget the fact she texted me, mere days before we’d started dating, that her stepfather used to THROW THINGS AT HER!
Let all of this sink in. All the selective diplomacy. Actual abusive family members? No problem! A husband with some insecurities? UNFORGIVEABLE!!! With me, she has to stretch the truth, and sometimes outright fabricate history, to make me look like I was an abusive husband, when she knows, full-well, what abuse looks like and that she suffered from far, far worse than anything I ever did, AND she chooses to keep the people who did far worse to her a part of her life.
Every so often, I get contacted by the government because my ex-wife went crying to them about something. I get told that my ex-wife wants more of my money, or she wants my freedoms restricted, or that she’s outright tried to get me thrown behind bars, or she sent a letter to our judge in an effort to undo my victory in court, or that she’s dragging me to court in the first place to try to take away what is most precious to me…
Two years she’s been ambushing me. I never know when I’m going to get approached or contacted with more nonsense that I have to fight back against. Because she never gives up. This is why I think of her as a shit mother: She’s not interested in her family being whole again, where we’re all happy and grow through the mistakes we’ve made … She is only interested in winning, nothing else. Absolutely nothing else. Mothers are supposed to be nurturing, to encourage unity and healing, even with people they don’t like, and even with people they personally can’t stand, but my ex-wife is a shit mother because the only thing that brings her happiness is the thought of ruining me. 2 years of this shit has more than proven this. I would bet money she keeps tabs on me in every way she can, including reading this very blog. If she reads this blog, it’s obviously not because she cares what my opinion about anything is, it is to simply gather whatever ammunition she can. Yes, I would bet this blog is part of her equation to find every way possible to ruin me further. To gather whatever she can use against me the next time she feels like dragging us to court. Everyone knows that’s going to happen.
If my ex-wife had INSTEAD done everything a mother ought to do since we separated, if she chose to be a good person this whole time, I would be singing her praises on this blog. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out between people and they go separate ways peacefully, or at least work together as friends to raise their child. If my ex-wife had a soul, I wouldn’t stop using this blog to tell women everywhere to be more like her. But instead, she is the opposite of a good role model; she is the opposite of a good person.
So, let me get this straight… Even though I, by my ex-wife’s own admission, was never overtly abusive, I was still, somehow, so horrible to her that I cannot be forgiven.
She has said things like, “You should have known better,” and, “It doesn’t change what you did,” and, “Some things can’t be forgiven.” Clearly, the message is that I was so horrible that I am unforgivable.
Still trying to get this straight… So, if I should ‘know better’ and if ‘nothing changes what happened’ and ‘some things can’t be forgiven’… then can somebody please tell me what makes it acceptable for my ex-wife to…
- Try minimizing a loving and committed father’s role in his daughter’s life
- Try getting a man thrown in prison who has committed no crime nor threatened to commit any crime
- Perpetually lie about her ex-husband, the father of her child
- Perpetually lie TO her ex-husband, the father of her child
- Take someone else’s money through manipulation and curating circumstances
- Making legal cases instead of trying to talk things out first
- Write a letter to our judge complaining that she didn’t get her way
- Do everything she can to keep her family broken and to remain enemies with her child’s father
It seems to me like I should make the case that she ought to know better, that ‘nothing can change everything she has done,’ and that she is beyond forgiveness no matter what. Well, after 2 years, fuck it, that’s exactly what I’m doing with this entire post. I’m done bothering to give her the benefit of the doubt anymore. Every single time I give her a chance to show some decency, she either doesn’t improve at all, or gets worse.
She either doesn’t think anything she’s done has been wrong, and/or she tries to justify herself to friends and family by saying she’s in a bad state of mind. I wasn’t in the best state of mind when we were married – I was too immature to overcome my fear that she would break my heart, and I was too immature to forgive the things she did wrong – but are the things I did wrong excused because I wasn’t in the best state of mind back then? No. So, if it doesn’t matter why I did the things I did wrong, then it doesn’t matter why she’s done the things she’s done wrong.
From the ambushes, to the hypocrisy, to the hostility, to the rudeness, to the complete lack of effort to remedy anything, I truly cannot even see my ex-wife as human anymore. What person, let alone a mother, tries so hard to keep things so deep in a shithole??
Plain and simple, plain and fucking simple, my ex-wife never wanted things to be better between us. In fact, I think I have good reason to believe she’s been this way since before she left me.
Even if she understood what reprehensible acts she’s committed, and continues to do, there is one thing I know for absolute certain: She doesn’t care.
And so, at the absolute least, she deserves to be labeled as what she is: Soulless.
The ambushes, the lies, the perpetual hostility even when I’m being tremendously kind… Nobody with a soul would do these things, for so long, and so shamelessly. The very sight of her disgusts me now.