This post will be a good resource if you are in a relationship you feel you shouldn’t be in, or if you’re looking back at one with an uncertain or negative perspective.
My ex-wife and I recently had a conversation, in which she said (among other things) that our relationship should never have happened. I’m going to explain everything that is flawed with that statement.
When she and I were together, I had several glaring flaws. Flaws that would not be there again, if we got remarried to each other. First and absolutely foremost, I was insecure. I wasn’t at the beginning of our relationship, even though I expected myself to be, but I started to be insecure after she went behind my back to go visit her ex-boyfriend. That reactivated my insecurity, and it remained with me up until about 3 months before we separated.
I won’t explain to the world how I overcame this, because there are some things that are too personal to tell the world about, but what I will simply say is: I know that insecurity wouldn’t be a problem anymore.
There were other things I did wrong during our marriage. Most of it regarded morality – right and wrong. That obviously included my insecurity about whether or not she’d cheat on me, and made me think for a long time that she might have with her ex-boyfriend. Whenever I felt my wife did something immoral, my level to which I was disturbed would become so great that I almost forgot how much I loved my wife. This has been my problem with everybody, regardless if they are close to me or not. Without exception. There was once a period of about 8 months when I didn’t talk to my best friend because of something he did behind my back.
I never ‘forgot’ (if that is even the right word) that I loved my wife, but whenever she justified going behind my back to see her ex-boyfriend, for the few minutes we’d argue about it, it was as if I forgot I loved her. And that was deeply flawed on my part. That was unacceptable. She never even brought it up during our marriage, or after it. Still, I recognized it as a flaw of mine, and I worked to fix it. And I can confidently say it has been fixed.
Other flaws include how obsessed I was with starting a business. That caused me to pay less attention to my wife. I never outright ignored her, but I was always working on the business I was trying to start if we weren’t doing anything in our free time. That, too, would not be a problem again.
Point with all of this is: I have grown. And my reason for pointing out the fact I have grown is this: People always change overtime. The only thing that doesn’t change is a person’s soul. Who they are underneath.
That is what my ex-wife gets very, very wrong. She never saw my soul for what it is. She only saw me during our marriage, and especially now after our marriage, as the sum of my worst actions. She thinks at the end of our marriage I threatened her (when I didn’t), and when she provoked me and I snapped and kicked the chair she was sitting on, she claims that I kicked her, not the chair itself. She doesn’t understand that even if those things happened exactly as she thinks they happened, that still would not come close to proving those actions were normal for me.
She’s never claimed that I did those things throughout our marriage, because even she can recognize that would be nonsense.
Regardless, my ex-wife does not, and never did, see me for who I am underneath, she only sees me as the sum of my worst actions. That’s it. Since I kicked her chair once, bam, that means I’m a violent person and always have been. Since I said some stupid words during a stupid rant, that means I threatened her, and therefore, bam, I suddenly became a threatener my entire lifetime.
If she ever knew me, truly knew me, she would have always understood that I have a good heart, but I get angry when I feel I have been deeply wronged. She should have understood that I angry when I feel other people have been deeply wronged. But instead, she only saw me skin-deep.
So, what would it look like if she and I got back together and our family became a complete family again? I’d still try to start a business, but I’d do it smarter, and pay less attention to it while my wife is in the house with me. I wouldn’t worry if she’s cheating on me. I wouldn’t forget who I fell in love with whenever I felt she did something immoral. That’s what it would look like if our family became whole again.
When we first got together, we didn’t really have a ‘honeymoon’ phase. Instead, what we had, was a period of time before any of the drama from her stepfamily, or any drama between us, started to deeply affect us. During those first couple of weeks, it wasn’t a honeymoon phase, it was simply pure happiness.
I used to wrap myself over her, as if hugging her with my entire body, and I would just lie like that (without putting weight on her), while she smiled and nudged my nose with hers. I used to stroke her hair, even if she said I shouldn’t “because I haven’t washed it and it’s gross,” because I just loved her hair. I used to give her full-body massages, though admittedly not to help her relax, but because I just loved feeling her touch. Most of the time, I gave those massages for 30-45 minutes, and it would put her to sleep.
If she ever knew my soul, she would know that’s who I am underneath. I am someone who has a lot of love to give, and I gave almost all of it to her.
She knows it was no accident we got married. She knows it was no accident that we made a child together. Deep, deep down, she knew who I am underneath. Her problem was that she saw my worst actions purely as actions, caring nothing for why I stumbled sometimes, especially at the end when everything was falling apart.
I never hit her, I never yelled at her, I never condescended her, I never threatened her (despite her claiming otherwise), and I never tried to control her. I wonder if she believes these things aren’t true in order to explain why she took a few ugly moments at the end so hard? I feel like she would still be just as emotional about everything that happened, even if she understood all of it, because she’s just simply wired to be overly emotional.
Nevertheless, our relationship was not a mistake. She just never truly knew me.
She’d have the power to understand my actions, and forgive the many mistakes I actually, truly did make, if she knew my soul.
People change over time. Even if I was perfect in my ex-wife’s eyes, I still would have changed over time. But who I am at my core would still be the same. That never changes. THAT is what people ought to fall in love with. THAT is what people need to remember when things aren’t going well with someone they love.