Love Letters

As far as I can remember, I never told my ex-wife, before or during our marriage, that I fell in love with her the first time I laid eyes on her. Why is that? Because I didn’t think she would believe that. I know I wouldn’t have. I also thought that if she did believe me, she would probably believe it was nothing but sexual attraction. Regardless, I never told her.

That never happened before. Not with my first love, not with my second. And I can confidently say that will never happen to me again. I’ve always been a hell of a skeptic, but this is one area where I believe spirituality might have some degree of literal truth.

I was going to transcribe a private video I made where I talked about this, but what I’m going to do instead is post what I wrote during this time of my life. I wrote a blog post, where I told the world about that feeling that consumed me. I also wrote another blog post, just two days after we’d started dating, where I told the world what I felt about her.

So, why does this matter? It matters to me, but I don’t expect it to matter to anyone else. And it matters to me because for the past 2 years since we divorced, it has been the most painful time of my entire life, and only one thing pulled me out of that state of mind. It was my love for her. At this point, I have accepted that I will love her until the day I die, just like I promised on our wedding day. Vows are for life. I will always love her, even if I am dead to her.

So, it does make me feel good remembering what it was like falling in love with her for the first time.

Here are those posts, exactly word-for-word:

Love vs. Lust

August 26, 2016
(6 days before I admitted my feelings to her)

Most people don’t know this about me. Whether they know me personally, or just know about me through my works, it isn’t common knowledge that I’m partly asexual. To those who don’t know, asexuality in humans doesn’t mean you’re born without genitals, it means you don’t have an interest in sex. To those I’ve told about this, I described it saying, “I’m half straight, half asexual.” The correct term for it, I learned recently, is “grey asexuality”, which pretty much means sometimes you become interested in sex, or under very specific circumstances, but otherwise, you don’t really care for it. It’s not a myth that some people are completely asexual. This here is another way to look at it.

For the most part, I just find the human body disgusting, including and especially genitalia, though I do greatly appreciate a nice face. And to be completely honest, I’m glad this is the way I am. My whole life, I’ve seen teen boys and grown men ogle after females like wild animals in heat, and that’s always bothered me. It’s always been difficult for me to have guy friends, because so many men are obsessed with getting laid. It’s as if men can think straight when they’re not getting some, but as soon as they start sleeping with someone, they forget what etiquette is, they forget who their friends are, and they become completely arrogant assholes. It’s like attaining political power, in their minds. Of course, men aren’t the only ones who do this (it’s just more prominent among them). Like I explained in this article, that ex-girlfriend never cared about the men she was with as a person, she solely cared about the attention and sex they provided her, because she desperately can’t handle being alone, which I hated just as much as aforementioned behavior from men. Human sexuality can be beautiful. It can be gorgeous. It can be a wonderful thing, but a lot of people seem to be controlled by theirs. So, this is why I’m glad to be grey asexual. I can go months, even years, without sex and have no problem with it.

Now, I don’t want to come across as sounding like I believe most people only care about sex. Not everyone is driven solely by lust. Most are capable of love; love that isn’t driven by lust. But what’s the difference between the two? Is there a difference?

I suppose it can be hard to distinguish on an individual basis. Saying you like or love someone solely because of their personality is ridiculous, just as much as it’s ridiculous to say you’re in love with someone because they’re hot. I don’t know. Call me excessively cynical, but I think most people, of both genders (equally), confuse lust with love. From what I’ve seen in real life, and in books, and in movies, whenever someone has a crush, their crush is always really attractive. Seriously, someone write fiction where someone falls in love because the person has an amazing personality and is far from beautiful. Why do writers always make fiction about someone falling in love with someone who is always beautiful? Because it reflects reality. Otherwise, those books/movies wouldn’t sell.

Here’s what inspired me to write about this subject. A few months ago, something happened to me that had never happened to me before. I saw a girl and literally became infatuated with her in an instant. Me, the grey asexual… Physically, this girl isn’t exactly a 10, but I would say she’s a little above average. I honestly didn’t know what it was about her that drew me in so quickly, but damn was the magnetic pull strong. This didn’t happen with my first love, nor my second, and I loved both those girls a lot. This girl, though, who I fell for simply by looking at her …. I somehow knew there was something different about her. It was like I knew her already. In the months to follow, I’ve gotten to know this girl, and the more I get to know her, the more perfect, yes perfect, she seems to me. She has the same morals I have, the same political stances as me, and even the same history of coming from a religious right-wing family that she eventually refused to be like. I truly mean it when I say she seems perfect. I haven’t found a single thing about her, in the time I’ve gotten to know her, that makes me think, “Yeah, maybe we wouldn’t work out, if we tried a relationship.” Never in my life has this ever happened to me. And my brain seemingly knew all this before I even got to know her.

It doesn’t make sense. If it was just lust, it would make perfect sense. But if I were to make a top-10 list of things I like most about her, her body would probably be in 9th or 10th place.

I’m not here to talk about this girl, though I would happily do so. All I’m really getting at is just how strange and obscure the contrast between love and lust is. The two are so difficult to understand, because they seem to be mutually exclusive while simultaneously being unable to exist without the other. Evolutionarily speaking, we need mates. It keeps our species going. And we need a sex drive to be drawn to mates. But it truly baffles me that simply looking at someone you don’t even know (at the time) can make you so attracted to them, and their body is not the main reason, and they don’t look like someone I’ve ever known before.

Can anyone explain this? I sure can’t.

I always loved this guy’s comment.

I Fell in Love

September 12, 2016
(2 days after we started dating)

For those who read this article here, you already know the background of this story. But for those who haven’t read it, here it is:

Several months ago, I met a girl. What it was about this girl that made her stand out so much, I’m not sure (in the context of not knowing her at all). But whatever it was, I instantaneously became infatuated with her. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Too many other things on my mind, and too many other things going on in my life for me to concern myself with someone I didn’t even know. However, after about a month, seeing her on occasion, my attraction toward her only grew. So, ultimately, I decided to get to know her. I spent several weeks getting to know her, and the more I got to know her, the more I liked her, until eventually my feelings became near-uncontrollable. She just seemed so amazing. Perfect. Finally, as of the last couple days, we began a relationship.

So, this is why I haven’t blogged in a short while. I’ve been a little … distracted.

I’ve never been with, or even liked, anyone who I thought was so perfect for me. I haven’t discovered a single thing – appearance, past, personality, likes and dislikes, political and philosophical views, etc. – that I don’t like about her. Of course, I know she isn’t actually perfect, and down the road I’ll find a thing or two that I’m not pleased by, but thus far, she’s everything that I thought and hoped she’d be. Never has this happened before, with anyone, even non-lovers. I think what I find most odd about the situation is the fact she’s younger than me by several years, and for my entire adult life, I always told myself I wouldn’t be with anyone younger than, like, 30 or so, because nobody knows what they want in life, or knows what’s truly important when they’re so young. Of course that’s a bit arrogant, considering that’s what my age range is and I do consider myself mature beyond people my age. But, I was wrong. Despite being younger than me, she’s every bit as intelligent and wise as I would expect to find in an older woman. Not to mention, she has a big heart, she doesn’t trash her body with smoking or drinking, has ambitions with her future, and she doesn’t give up on people easily, even if they deserve it.

She’s everything I want in a partner. Devoted, compassionate, hard-working, has a playful side as well as a serious side, takes care of herself, and the things we want for our futures align almost perfectly.

When I worked as a caregiver, I cared for this lady we called “Mow”, and she was my favorite. She once told me about how she and her husband, of (if I remember correctly) 55 years, got together. The most surprising part of her story was how quickly they got married, which was 3 months after they met. Not 3 months of dating, but 3 months after meeting each other for the first time. And that was followed by 55 happy years of marriage? I’m still impressed with that. And that story taught me something: That not everyone is the same, and not all ‘rules’ need to apply to everyone. I think when you know something, you just know. This is especially the case with lovers, I think. If it felt right before you even got together, if it feels perfect while you’re together, it’s at least guaranteed to last a very long time. Perhaps not forever, since nobody knows what the future holds, but for certain, a long time.

Being with my girlfriend, it’s like falling onto a bed. So easy, so right, and so warm. After the disastrous end with my previous relationship, I wasn’t even interested in being with someone for at least a couple years. Not because I missed my ex (though I did for a little while), but because I didn’t want to rush finding my one. Finding the right person isn’t something you can rush, and it’s not something you want to force, or else it’s not real. But with this girl …. this amazing, beautiful, smart girl …. I couldn’t help myself. I felt it HAD to happen, even though at first I didn’t think I stood a chance with her. But I guess she chose to be with me, so I must be at least partially good enough for her 🙂

There was love before we ‘officially’ started being together. I told her she’s amazing just the way she is, and she said I’m perfect just as I am. But I told her, “I don’t just want to be your boyfriend, I want to be your man.” And I absolutely intend to do just that. I see a happy future with her, and I intend to make that happen.