I’m no longer on the fence regarding the person I was once married to.
A few posts ago, I told all of you that I’ve been at war with myself this past month. Well, that’s no longer the case. I was looking for something that explained everything, and I really mean everything. I had been looking for an explanation for everything that my ex-wife has done since we separated, and also explained everything I knew and observed from our time together before that. I changed my mind about her, for worse, shortly after our marriage ended. I thought the person I married was not the same person who ended that marriage. That’s why I didn’t miss her when she was gone.
Just in the past couple of days – yes, the last couple of days alone – I realized the explanation I was looking for. Did she ever change? No. Was the person I married a fantasy, and the real woman something else entirely? No.
What did I realize? What changed my mind? What got me off the fence and stop being at war with myself about this subject? Well… I will probably never state it on this blog. I may never speak it to my ex-wife, either. What I came to understand during this strange, strange month of July, is too personal to share with the world.
My attorney’s opinion of her hasn’t improved (that is his job, anyway), but he and I no longer agree on this now. If you’ve been reading my past several posts about this subject, you may have been wondering why I’ve had to do so much thinking about this subject in the first place. You may have been wondering why I don’t just … talk to my ex-wife so that she can tell me what she’s feeling and thinking. Well, that’s where the problem lies. That’s the reason I still have an attorney in the first place.
She still chooses to be at war with me. Instead of meeting one-on-one with me somewhere, or just having long conversations on the phone, so that we may put all of our differences to rest … my ex-wife continues to, let’s just say, take things too far. This time around, my attorney is utterly baffled at the reasons my ex took things too far this time. At least when she and I were still getting divorced, some of her actions made some sense, but this time… This time he sees no sense in it at all, and he is surprised she was even able to take things so far this time.
After a month of epiphanies, I can make sense of it, though. Honestly, her most recent actions do make sense to me. I’m not bitter about what she’s done this time. I’m not bitter, or angry. I think I understand a lot of the way she thinks now. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to quite get it, especially someone who never knew her. I’m not bitter or angry, but I am deeply saddened that this keeps going on.
We will go back to court soon. Last time we went to court, for our divorce, I went in feeling I had already lost everything. This time, I’m not afraid, just heartbroken. I’m so tired of all this conflict, even if I still didn’t understand why she does the things she does.
In all fairness, I may still not understand. I just know I have a theory that truly makes everything make sense. My recent epiphanies could all be completely false, and I later learn that I was right to change my mind about her for worse. It’s all possible, but I strongly doubt I will revert back to my negative perception.
You know what, I’ll just come right out and say it… I love her again. I want to be with her again. It used to be nothing more than a desire for our family to be complete like it used to be, but now I also feel for her again. Love for her is all I feel now. I must reiterate that the reasons for this will never be written on this blog for the world to see, but to everyone thinking I’m leading myself into a trap, please know that I am 99.99% certain here. I don’t believe my ex has been motivated by malice; I think she’s just doing the best she can. The claims she’s been making about me are false, but they are not intentional lies like I used to think they were.
And honestly, I don’t need to explain what I have finally, finally come to understand. All that matters is that I know what I know. Action is the next step. Speaking from the heart, and acting from the heart, have always been part of who I am. For over a year now, my ex-wife saw bitterness, because I was bitter. All she saw was a man who wanted things to be right while having no faith his ex would ever do the right thing. That was authentic. I’m always authentic. And now, the authentic will be based in love, instead. That fact makes me happy.
Nevertheless, there is still the fact I have to engage in this most recent conflict (for lack of a better word). I will give it my best, because I have to, but I would much rather not. Being in court is going to be a painful struggle, as I sit there being morally obligated to discredit her false accusations while also just wanting to show her love again. I would rather she just tell me what she wants me to know. I would rather look her in the eyes and take ownership for my part in what went wrong between us. I would rather we both heed the lessons of our mistakes, and start over again.
I would rather just hold her close, and let her know we don’t have to do this anymore.