One of the greatest feelings came over me approximately one or two days before I wrote this post. It was a feeling of … nothing. Absolutely nothing. This isn’t regarding me overall, it’s regarding something specific.
I don’t feel any bitterness. I don’t feel it toward anyone – not my ex-wife, not the political left, not anybody. It’s not really apathy, either. I think I’m just sick to my stomach of being bitter. It was this exact same feeling that got me motivated to stop being homeless and get my own place when I was 21 – I just got sick of having nothing and being useless. And this kind of feeling, to be sick of something in this way … it never wears off.
A couple of months before I turned 21, my friend Justin had died, and I (foolishly) chose to devote all my time, money, and energy into helping his girlfriend and her sister become sober from substance abuse. I had first met Justin, and these sisters, at a church, as he was just starting to turn his own life around. I’ve never had experience with that kind of lifestyle, but anybody knows it’s good to get out of it. Justin died in a car crash, and then the sisters relapsed back to their old problems. I never witnessed them with substances, but whenever I came to visit them, I saw the aftermath. These six months were a large contributing factor to what made me so depressed that I became homeless. These sisters just … didn’t want to get better. They wanted it, but not enough to stop. They knew how much I cared, and they were sorry to disappoint me, but all in all, people just don’t improve if they don’t want to. It was true for these sisters, and it was true of me when I became homeless after all of that.
Sometimes, the only cure for something weighing you down is to get sick of it.
I’m not even sure if ‘bitterness’ is the correct word in this context. Maybe call it righteous anger? I guess that sounds a bit pompous. The things I have been bitter toward, though, have all been actions and behaviors that I believe are deeply immoral, unjustifiable, and conceited. The political left, my ex-wife, all of them.
I suppose with my ex-wife, a lot of this also came from misunderstanding her. (Read my previous post Remember Them.)
A lot of things still sting. I’m still hurting. For men, emotional pain usually manifests as anger, regardless if there’s a ‘moral’ reason behind it. So, I may still be in a lot of pain from everything that’s been happening in the world and my personal life … but at least the anger is gone. It burned itself out. I got just plain sick of being like that.