Today, I mentioned this subject to someone I was talking to, which I’ll mostly repeat later in this post but in different words. Here are my thoughts about one of the best ways to be a shitty parent.
I pay attention to the news and the political sphere regularly, and I see a multitude of issues that I can only hope don’t affect my loved ones and I. Often, issues I worry about don’t. My hometown is viewed by people all around the world as Antifa’s capital, but I’ve never seen Antifa in my hometown. Cancel Culture is still a rampant problem, but no Twitter mob has tried to cancel me (yet). There is one issue, however, that I see all over the news, all over the political sphere, and indeed has affected me personally: The pandemic that is toxic femininity. It could be called ‘The Matriarchy.’ These aren’t terms I personally like, but we’ve been hearing ignorant screaming of their opposite terms for so many years, I say why not?
When I look at the behaviors resulting from our matriarchal culture – pretending there are a thousand different genders, screeching Trump-haters in the streets, safe spaces, feelings prioritized over facts, the bias toward mothers in family courts, the rise in popularity for socialism, etc. – I can’t help but ask myself where it comes from. Not the reason this all started, but the specific basis for certain behaviors. What is causing people to screech in the streets because the guy they don’t like got elected? What is causing college kids to demand safe spaces (which is now just the entire property, of every campus)? What is causing people to start screaming that living in a house is a right, and being provided health care is a right?
Coddling. Coddling from their parents, and coddling by their culture.
When I was a kid, being a spoiled brat was actually a bad thing. It was something nobody wanted to be. These days, finding new ways to think of yourself as a victim is now see as the greatest empowerment. People are demanding free college and health care, politicians are ordering cities to build housing specifically for the homeless, and socialism itself is rising in popularity … all because far too many of us were raised to think we are owed everything we want, and if anyone says anything you don’t like that means they’re harassing you, and everybody is a winner…
This must have started when I was a kid, because things were nowhere near this bad in the 1990s, but I vividly remember hearing teachers tell kids that “everybody’s a winner.” Even as a child, I often (emphasis on often) wondered, How can everybody be a winner? Why do WORDS get people in so much trouble?
Every home I lived in had at least one spoiled child. Sometimes there were more than one. Around Christmas 1999 or 2000, I was adopted with the two siblings I grew up with … for about a month. During that month, I was openly treated as the favorite. Did I like it? Of course. But it still bothered me. I found myself going out of my way to show extra love to my siblings because they got ignored by our new parents. If I got more presents, I tried to give my brother some. If I got candy, I shared it with both. Most importantly, when I got in trouble… Just kidding, I never got in trouble. Even when I crashed their four-wheeler, even when I made messes, and even when I played video games longer than what was ‘allowed,’ I never got in trouble.
Not to mention the fact I was the youngest of the three of us, and you could probably say objectively the best looking. It annoyed me to no end how often people at church, and sometimes even teachers at school, pointed out how cute I was.
Believe it or not, I have wondered many times since growing up how I would have turned out if I had allowed these things to get to my head. What if I believed everybody’s a winner? What if I soaked in every time people called me cute, or treated me better because of it? In essence, the question is: What would I be like if I wasn’t above this nonsense by my very nature?
Nobody had to teach me that not everybody is a winner. Nobody had to teach me that people shouldn’t get in trouble for saying words, even if those words were meant to hurt. I was taught to share and be generous, but I’ve never struggled living by that, so I can probably say nobody had to teach me altruism either.
But most people aren’t born with such senses. It doesn’t make them lesser, it just makes them human. I completely understand how most people allow themselves to be spoiled and coddled. We are animals, and all living creatures are built to the last detail to survive. Of course most of us will be magnetized to whatever makes life easier. Whatever lessens the struggle, whatever keeps us safer or just makes us feel safer… Hell, I’d even say the fact it’s always bothered me to receive special treatment and attention is actually irregular. Logically, nobody should be that way, naturally.
Why do women live longer? Men do harder work and have more stressful lives. They carry greater loads, for women. When life is all about survival, it makes perfect sense that everybody would have a weakness for being coddled. Subconsciously, we perceive comfort as the same as survival itself.
Here’s the serious problem, though: Coddling makes you less capable of surviving. It makes you weak. I don’t mean physically, though that applies, I mean mentally.
The more you are coddled, the less you can handle stress. The more you are coddled, the less you can think critically. The more you are coddled, the more you wait around and expect others to deal with things for you. The more you are coddled, the less you can recognize reality and instead will perceive everything as you wish to. The more you are coddled, the more you will confuse discomfort with evil.
Confusing discomfort with being wronged, as we have all seen innumerable times with spoiled kids, social justice warriors, and most Democratic voters, is that it causes you to antagonize and/or distance yourself from things that were never a threat to you. It drives those who would have been your friend to either abandon you altogether or possibly consider turning against you. And yes, in the world of politics, countless people who were once had their feet firmly planted with the left are now abandoning it and being driven to the right-wing. All because … why? Somebody didn’t share your same opinion on where trans people should go to the restroom? Yes, I’m sure slight disagreements like that are perfect justifications for driving allies into the arms of the other side. “You’re telling me people have a responsibility to make their own wealth and NOT expect politicians to promise more hand outs? Well fuck you then!!”
Being coddled, overall, makes you insufferably selfish. Not only are coddled ones less capable of dealing with reality (and reality has millions of harsh truths), but they are also less capable of contributing to the world around them. Who can they really help in any significant way? Most, if not all, they can do is try to coddle those they’re trying to help. It’s a damned disease. It’s weakness that spreads weakness.
Coddling is indeed a feminine tendency, making it a key component to why I believe ‘toxic femininity’ does exist.
When I tell people that I used to be extremely sensitive, the reactions seem to be that of disbelief. I was sensitive all the way up until I was about 20 or so. The last of my varying emotional instabilities weren’t resolved until I was 25. What ultimately fixed this problem of mine? Well, it certainly helped finally seeing my mother – the only parent I ever knew for most of my life (coincidence?) – as the person she truly is. But it also helped that I just got sick of being weak. Sure it’s nice to avoid hearing things about myself I didn’t want to hear, to not have to deal with not being invited to events by friends, or not have to endure being rejected by friends and girlfriends, but it’s infinitely better to be immune to most of those pains. Easy to survive a deadly disease if you never contract it, but it’s infinitely better to be immune to it in the first place so you don’t even have to worry about it.
Coddling is giving a man a fish, true parenting is teaching a man how to fish.
Parents, this shit starts with you. Giving your child whatever they want, whenever they want, for any reason, doesn’t help them. Showering them with gifts, telling them they are perfect just the way they are, never disciplining them… These things hurt them, severely. It’s mental poison. The entire purpose of parenting is to prepare your child for the real world, and coddling keeps them infantile and permanently ill-prepared. You are sacrificing short-term happiness in exchange for long-term misery, and high likelihood of being broken by the world.
Coddling is like abandoning your child without physically leaving them.
It’s addictive to children. When they have it, they want more, like candy. As I already explained, there’s a feeling of safety and comfort in coddling, which is obviously the whole point, but that doesn’t remotely mean it’s a good way to parent. There are times to do it, but that time is not always. The parent who coddles more will always be the favorite, which makes it not only addictive, but also a trap, fooling the child into thinking being coddled is good for them. Coddling is the junk food of parenting.
Without a single doubt, one of the reasons millennials turned out this way – the reason they were so coddled in the first place – was because their (our) birth years coincided with the trend in our family court systems to favor mothers regardless of the situation. Not to mention the sexual revolution started by boomers in the 60s, essentially decimating our cultural agreement of the sanctity of commitment in relationships. What a winning combination. I don’t care if it’s not politically correct to say this; the truth is the truth… Single, self-important mothers caused this damage, and they did this by throwing fathers to the curb. Single mothers try to raise kids on their own, and I’ve seen single mothers get loud and harsh and livid, but at the end of the day, they are still women, and it’s in a woman’s nature to coddle (and to wish to be coddled herself). Kids just don’t take mothers as seriously as fathers. Nobody even wants that from their mother, and mothers just don’t discipline or teach as well anyway. Sorry.
A lot of single mothers also desperately try to be the favorite parent, and may even intentionally coddle their child just to score more ‘points’ than the father. I’ve been seeing this in my personal life, with my ex-wife. This isn’t just childish, it’s immoral to the core. Parenting is a job, not a contest.
I’ll say this outright: Like my own mother, like my sister, like my ex-wife, freeloading single mothers don’t remotely have the ability to survive on their own in the real world, which is why they forever remain freeloaders. For my daughter’s sake, I genuinely hope my ex-wife proves me wrong about this, but I know I won’t be. That is why this angers and terrifies me. She mirrors pretty much all single mothers in this way. They can’t do the job without a plethora of safety nets, without handouts from the government, without infinite generosity from relatives, or without people in their lives blindly believing all the nonsense they spout. And she, like so many in her exact self-imposed situation, has the arrogance to believe she deserved to raise our daughter with me almost completely out of the picture. Can she teach our daughter how to survive on her own, when she herself doesn’t have a clue? Can she teach our daughter how to defend herself, when she herself doesn’t have a clue? Does she have any wisdom to impart on our daughter, such as the value of patience, the value of forgiveness, the value of humility? Absolutely not, especially concerning humility. Can she teach our daughter … virtually anything? The best she can teach is how to walk, how to say some words, and how to go crying to relatives or the government when you’re not getting your way.
These kinds of mothers are masters of coddling. It’s all they can do well. It’s all they have to offer their children, and it is nothing but detrimental to their children.
There is being a parent, as in the state of being, and there is parenting, as in the job. Between my ex-wife and I, only one of us is concerned with the job. I don’t care if it costs me popularity points with my daughter to make sure she is ready for being on her own. I won’t be around forever, neither will her mother. If I was immortal, maybe I wouldn’t bother with teaching anything. But I don’t want my daughter to be a princess, I want her to be a goddess.
One of the things that makes parenting, true parenting, the most difficult job in the world is that its entire purpose is to teach your child how to live without you. See how coddling is so selfish? It only makes your child permanently dependent on you. It is essentially making sure you always get loads of attention from your child even when they’re 30 or 40. See what I mean when I say coddling is the opposite of parenting? It’s beyond selfish.
I completely understand the desire and instinct to coddle your own kids. Nobody wants to acknowledge that one day their child will be grown. Nobody wants to acknowledge that one day their child will be out on their own, where you can’t watch over them every minute.
If you’re reading this post thinking Oh my god, he’s so against coddling, he MUST be a tyrannical parent! then congratulations, you are part of the problem. It’s a hard truth to swallow that coddling is not the way, and is in fact one of the worst ways, but just because I’m against it as a parenting strategy in itself, that doesn’t mean I’m at the other extreme end of the spectrum. Ask anyone who’s observed me being a father; I’m most certainly not the other extreme.
Yes, I strongly believe that parents who coddle without moderation, who do it regardless of circumstance or age are not true parents. They abandoned their duties.