Why do most couples agree to be monogamous? Is it practical? Is it natural? Is it beneficial?
Before the epidemic boomers inflicted upon mankind that is the sexual revolution, monogamy was universally understood by all. By ‘understood,’ I mean its purpose, its benefit, and its practicality. Today, now starting to be 60 years later, monogamy is hardly understood at all, even while most people still engage in it. It is seen as either an obstacle to one’s personal freedom, or it is nothing more than a manifestation of one’s possessiveness and insecurities.
The first and most important function of monogamy is children. Parenting. This is a large part of the reason I say (and many experts would agree) that marriage is not about the couple, it’s about their offspring if they have any. The proper length of marriage is not based on how much the couple is still in love, it is based on raising their kids. Even in medieval times, marriage was entirely about bringing families together and raising their children. For most of recorded history, marriage had almost nothing to do with love. To be honest, I personally believe that even today, love should only be what drives two people to choose to get married, but should have no decisive power in whether or not they stay married.
Marriage is a duty. If you believe otherwise, you have growing up to do. If you disagree, why even bother? Just stay together until you split up.
True, monogamy is not natural, but that doesn’t make it detrimental. It is superior to what is natural to us. We are Earth’s smartest inhabitants, yet reproduction should be driven by pure instinct like the rest? Obviously not.
Our ancestors, before the days of civilization, and even during the first agricultural era of civilization, almost never cared who the father of a child was. Women were selective about their sexual partners, but didn’t remain with one partner for life any more than men did. If a woman got pregnant, the ‘father’ of that child was all the men who had been sleeping with her. Children were raised by one mother and many fathers, and by the tribe. The ‘fathers’ contributed were really only there to be extra hands if the mother needed a break, but for the most part, a man’s job was dealing with everything, not solely focusing on his kids like mothers – including fighting wars, hunting animals, engaging in politics, making journeys, crafting weapons, etc.
This is a large part of the reason I believe marriage is one of mankind’s most genius ideas. Now that we are civilized, and we’ve grown past small villages to now having nations, spanning thousands of square miles, the old ways don’t work. Plus, marriage is a superior practice, anyway. Instead of our tribes and villages being our family, we now realize that it is better to view our families as our families. The old ways were necessary when 1/3 of childbirths resulted in the death of the mother, most kids didn’t live to adulthood at all, and even if you did live into adulthood, good lucking surviving past 25.
Women have always been selective about who they slept with, but our female ancestors still slept with many men. The manliest selections. Why? Because the manliest men had the best genes, and sleeping with multiple men made different men’s sperm compete, and sperm from just one man already compete with each other as it is. It was Mother Nature’s way of making sure children only came from the best of the best. I mean, the whole reason women moan during sex is, basically, to signal to men nearby that she’s in the mood. Men get fall asleep after sex (while women don’t) so that they get out of the way for the next man to “plant his seeds.” (It was also because sex was supposed to be a nighttime activity, since daytime was our only chance to get work done. Predators dominated the night, thus we didn’t move around much at night, and thus our only activities at night were making babies and sleeping.)
This is still our nature as humans. Despite our species being civilized for a few thousand years, we still have hundreds of thousands of years’ worth of nature in us. We still have the same bodies and brains as our ancestors. Needless to say, being monogamous is difficult for everyone and always will be. Men and women, both. As much as society wants us to believe it’s in a woman’s nature to be faithful … that’s an absolute lie. We all know it’s a lie, some of just aren’t in denial about it. Sure, some women don’t care so much for sex itself, but most still like sex, and sex isn’t the only thing women are interested in. Women are equally as unfaithful in relationships as men, statistically, and they tend to have even more reasons than men to be unfaithful – this includes being drawn to men more financially stable, and being drawn to men who show them more attention.
Getting back to marriage, I hope now you understand what I’m getting at with all this… Marriage is a job. It’s a duty. It’s something you will always have to work on. Always. The sex will get old, for both, and even your personalities will get old to each other. You’re doing something you’re not naturally inclined to do. Deal with it.
The task is raising the kids, especially now that our tribes are multitudes larger than they were as recently as 10,000 years ago, meaning that our tribes are far less likely to want to help you raise your kids. It’s no coincidence that mothers these days actually look forward to driving away the father(s) of their kids, and the state giving them free money, through “child support” and WIC and several other programs. It’s a combination of a woman’s nature to be more concerned with self above all, her natural lack of inclination to be faithful to one person for life, and her natural concern for guaranteed safety and provisions that she should be looking for in a man. But even the wife of Jeff Bezos, the richest man alive, divorced him before their 4 kids were fully grown. Women these days want society to believe they only leave their men at higher rates than they themselves get dumped/divorced because it was the man’s fault in some way. No, women these days are girls, not real women, and enough is never enough for a girl. Society is long overdue in swallowing these facts.
Most people think of monogamy simply as ‘sleeping with only one person at a time.’ Alright, perhaps that is all it means, but in that case, it’s a meaningless word, because it implies someone is only going to sleep with one person before going to the next. Everyone is a placeholder until the next in line. In which case, why fucking bother with one at a time? All it means is you don’t bounce back and forth, you just leap from one to the next.
Honestly, I resent the word ‘monogamy’ altogether. The core essence of the word is … just another word, and that other word is commitment. Commitment is devotion, dedication, and faithfulness. No one can ever be everything you want them to be, or give you everything you want, and this applies to men as well. For men, the problem is getting bored of the sex, and watching our partner grow less sexually appealing with each passing day when we are naturally inclined to only breed with young women. For women, the problem is being naturally inclined to make men compete for them, and accepting attention and relations from the top contenders. (Contenders, plural)
People are still monogamous, around 60 years after the sexual revolution, but we think monogamy is good enough. It isn’t; not even close. Monogamy is just promiscuity but slower. We’re only becoming more and more miserable. Men and women both. Everyone is objectively happier and more successful in life being devoted to one person for life. A childish attitude of “I should be able to sleep with whoever I want,” or, “I can leave my relationship if my needs aren’t being fulfilled,” doesn’t help anyone, including yourself. You’re only going to keep trading up, as if you’ll someday find Mr. or Ms. Perfect, when you won’t. You’re only going to keep searching for greater thrills, or trying to relive past thrills.
Food fulfills you, drugs don’t. Drugs are far more tempting, but have far less to offer. Seek food, not drugs.
“Sexual liberation” is a drug. Even the milder version of that, monogamy, is still a drug. Monogamy, as society currently understands the word, is just having placeholders until you find the next. Don’t get addicted to drugs, find satisfaction with food (in this metaphorical context … but also in a literal context). Your happiness will be greater and last longer.
So, ladies, you’re going to leave your partner simply because you found a different guy who can play guitar and has a beautiful voice? And then a few years later you get tired of his insecurities, his tiny penis, and his wasteful habit of collecting rock music memorabilia… and he doesn’t sing to you anymore, so it must be time to leave him, right? Especially since now you found a guy who doesn’t collect stupid memorabilia and he buys you flowers every single week!
You can always trade up, and every person you trade up for will come with their own set of disappointments. You’re a drug addict. You’re in love with falling in love.
One of the many reasons commitment is superior to sheer monogamy is that you learn love is also something you build. Love is not a euphoric rush that makes you attached to someone for a few months or years, it is a BOND. A bond that strengthens with time, even as the euphoria fades, each other’s youth fades, and everything else fades, that won’t fade. It is the essence of that person being your other half. Just because their jokes have gotten really, really old, they are still an extension of you.
Are YOU thrilled to be in your own body, and have your own mind and personality, every single day for as long as you live? Of course not. So, why the hell expect that from someone else? Everyone gets bored with themselves, disappointed with themselves, angry with themselves, and most importantly, consider giving up on themselves. But how often do people give up on themselves? Well, now, pretty often, because if we can’t understand commitment with others, there’s absolutely no chance we can understand it with ourselves.
When you’re committed for life, that person will know you better over 40 years than you will ever be understood by 40 different partners over the same length of time. When you commit, you treat it like you don’t have the option to leave. Morally, you don’t, especially if you have children. I’m not saying everybody has to have children, but I promise every childless person reading this: Your life will be far less fulfilling without them. In fact, chances are, your life won’t be fulfilling at all, and you’ll look back at your life at 60 and think you wasted your time. (And good look having frequent company at that age, since you won’t have kids or grandkids. Think your gals or your buddies will stick around until you’re 60? Good luck on that gamble.)
I know one thing you’re probably thinking is, What if the person I marry isn’t committed to me? What if they turn out to be abusive? Both of those things would make me more miserable than leaving them would.
Firstly, if our society took commitment seriously, instead of ‘monogamy,’ everybody – meaning the population as a whole – would put greater care into their own behavior and way of thinking. Secondly, everybody would be far, far wiser about who they select as a partner, which would make that risk far less of a risk. Since society only understands monogamy, not lifetime commitment, people settle for good enough. “Oh, they’re nice, and attractive, and it feels right being with them, so why not start a relationship with them?” No, it is far wiser to know that person’s values, their goals, and their beliefs, and THEN go ahead and focus on how attracted you are to them. Run through a proper checklist, and you will have little to damn near nothing to worry about. Obviously, if they beat you (man or woman), then get out of there immediately. But if people did relationships correctly, they wouldn’t get with someone they think even possesses the slightest likelihood of harming them, or not showing commitment in return. Honestly, I think if the person isn’t harming you or your kids, or they aren’t detrimental to your wellbeing in general (by smoking or something like that), you still have an obligation to stay, but that is strictly my opinion. I chose to stay with my wife even after I realized she has the mind of a child in nearly every way, and always will. Seriously, she bought coloring books……. But I still told myself that’s not a good enough excuse to leave her.
Part of commitment, by the way, is going out of your way to properly communicate. That alone improves any and all relationships. There are many, many natural biproducts of commitment, and communication is just one. All of it comes to you when you are genuinely, deeply committed to someone.