I Thought I Was Done…

Normally, I’d be angry with myself in this situation. I resent deciding something for myself and not pulling through on it. I’m not going to drag this out: I’m deeply infatuated with someone. Deeply. She’s very different from any other girl I’ve had feelings for. I can prove it, too.

When I told my best friend exactly that – that she’s very different from all the others – he laughed at me. Now, the thing is, I don’t want this person to know yet that I’m interested in her, and I don’t want her to figure it out if, by chance, she reads this post. But, I still need to demonstrate to the naysayers that she is different, without divulging any clues that’ll give me away. So, what I’m going to do is describe how I initially felt for the previous girls I’ve been with and conclude with this new girl.

First and foremost… I’ve never felt like anyone is “the one.” Not ever. But more on that in a bit…

Lisa: She and I were good friends as kids. One day, it simply hit me that we should try ‘dating’ (a typical 12-year-old’s definition of ‘dating,’ that is). Then I developed feelings for her, saying “I love you” and such. Yes, the feelings came after deciding to give a relationship a try. That doesn’t negate the fact I loved her for sure, I just never got hit with that “holy shit, we need to be together” feeling at the beginning. Being friends beforehand tends to do that … or, that’s when it hits you the hardest. Depends on the circumstance.

Then she cheated on me with 2 guys. I respected how honest she was about it all, though. All positive feelings I had for her instantly vanished.

Shelby: She and I were good coworkers. She was already with someone when one day I realized I liked her. I’m assuming she started liking me around the same time, because it was around that time that started thinking about leaving him, and then she did. I didn’t love Shelby as much as Lisa. I’d say my love for her was more of an emotional dependency. My life was in the dumpster at the time, and it felt good just to be loved. That’s why it hurt so bad when it ended.

Then she left me after yet another stupid (and I mean stupid) argument. It was building up for a while, though. Our fights were easily, easily the worst fights I’ve ever had in any relationship. In my view, she was actually insane. In hindsight, she said and did many things that I found unthinkably immoral and selfish, and that’s when my feelings for her vanished.

Ex-Wife: She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, because I don’t have the blessing of her being forever absent from my life. I became interested in her from the first moment I looked at her, but I didn’t know, and still to this day don’t know, what caused that feeling. Especially now that I’m wondering what the hell I ever saw in her, I’m even more uncertain what made me interested in her at first sight. I didn’t know a damn thing about her yet. Well anyway, I was very shy around her at first, and I honestly have no idea why. Never, literally never, had I ever been shy or nervous with a girl before, not even with my first crush in kindergarten. And, of course, we got married, which means I had to have had that “holy shit, we need to be together” feeling, right? Well, yes and no, but mostly not really. I knew I loved her, and I thought I knew who she was deep inside. The way I felt about that was, I love her how she is, and I know I can live with that forever. So, I decided to try to. I chose to commit, I didn’t do what millennials usually do, which is waiting until I’m convinced she’s utterly perfect (or act on impulse; always one or the other). No, I’ve always known perfection doesn’t exist. If commitment came didn’t involve conscious choice, it wouldn’t be called commitment.

Then very shortly after she got pregnant and gave birth, she commenced her campaign to use our child for an easy ticket through life, with freeloading off family, forcing me to give her a portion of my income, getting free and unearned attention through ‘sympathy’ from playing victim. And my every last modicum of positive feelings and opinions of her vanished. (Did I ever mention she didn’t even want kids? I did, and she only got off the pill after I asked her to. And more importantly, I was the one who named our daughter; she couldn’t bother landing on any first or middle name. It’s truly beyond me how she managed to get away with as much as she has, being so immensely disingenuous.)

The New (and Likely Last) One:

This girl has something not a single one of the others had, and that is an ironclad moral center that she unwaveringly commits to. And she’s like me in the sense that she’s not afraid to be very honest, and when people do shitty things, she’s not afraid to call them out as shitty people. To hell with what anybody thinks of her. To hell with being fake to make people look at her.

Moderation in all things. Those things would actually be a turn-off if they weren’t balanced. But they are. She most certainly has a playful side, and she doesn’t shy away from her nerd side whatsoever. Oh! And she works out. She’s actually physically strong … and she is without it negating her attractiveness.

From the first moment I looked at her, I was hit by that feeling. The feeling that this (a relationship) needs to happen. Not just that, but also the feeling of “you’re never going to find another like her.” Not necessarily a feeling that she’s the one, but pretty damn close. As close as someone who doesn’t believe in destiny can feel it. She has every. single. trait I’ve ever wanted in a girl. Every category. I’m still not sure if she’s real… Seriously, every category. Physically strong, ironclad principles, playful side, intelligent, AND very cute! I’m not saying she’s perfect – I don’t know yet what her flaws are – but still, I’m certain what her qualities are. She could turn out to be hypocritical. It could all turn out to be an illusion. For over a year now, I’ve been in a state of thinking I’m completely done with relationships. One-night-stands for sex, and for everything else like snuggles and just plain having someone to be committed to, I have my baby. I was pretty set for that to be the rest of my life…….. But then this new girl appeared.

Emotionally, I’m choosing to take this as slow as possible. And without giving away anything, I have no choice but to do so anyway. I hope I can be with her, and I hope she remains the amazing person I’ve observed for months now.

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