Don’t See This Garbage (Rise of Skywalker)

As promised after The Last Jedi was released, I have not seen any Star Wars Disney movie since. Sure, an argument can be made that I shouldn’t give my opinion on a movie I haven’t seen … but I think an argument can also be made that my opinion is valid if every single review (literally all of them) provide the same information.

Here is a list of things that happen in The Rise of Skywalker, and wait to see what they ALL have in common:

  • The Emperor has a fleet of thousands of Star Destroyers.
  • Each of said Star Destroyers has the power to destroy an entire planet. EACH of them.
  • The protagonists go on a scavenger hunt for an ancient Sith artifact that points directly to the wreckage of the second Death Star. I repeat: Ancient artifact, which points to space station that was destroyed just 30 years previous.

What do these things all have in common? None of them are explained. Yes, the Emperor’s return, from being thrown hundreds of feet, into a reactor, instantly disintegrating, and then the Death Star itself was blown up a few minutes later ….. IS NOT EXPLAINED!

Every review I’ve watched and read – all of them – says that the pacing is ludicrous. One person said the pacing is equal to that of the Transformers movies. Action, action, action, where nothing makes sense, and makes even less sense when you think about it.

Snoke was a clone. Yep, Force users can just be grown in a lab now.

Palpatine dies again by his own lightning being deflected back at him. For some reason, he doesn’t just stop shooting the lightning. Also, this somehow kills him better than when – and I repeat – he was thrown into a reactor, disintegrated, and then the space station he was on blew up a few minutes later…..

Rey is even more overpowered in this. The movie tries to pretend she was trained to do everything she can do, but it’s not the least bit convincing. She shoots lightning out of her fingers and destroys a ship with it (or several?), and she also knows how to HEAL WOUNDS, which I know is never explained in her ‘training’.

Rey is Palpatine’s granddaughter. Yes, the Emperor ……. THE EMPEROR ….. had offspring. He made babies. With a woman….. The Emperor….. The Emperor, everyone.

I chose not to see Episode IX as soon as I walked out of the theater of The Last Jedi. Honestly, I didn’t think it would be this horrendous. I really didn’t. I thought you can’t possibly make a Star Wars movie that’s worse than The Last Jedi. I thought at the very least, if they bring Palpatine back, they’d have the sense to explain it even just a little….

The Rise of Skywalker is a giant shit on Return of the Jedi. That victory the entire galaxy celebrated was for nothing. Absolutely nothing. Palpatine, apparently, didn’t die at all. He was just wounded a little, and he’s missing some fingers now or something? And he spent the last 30 years somehow building thousands of Star Destroyers with the Force … and they’re fully crewed …. and every single one has a Death Star laser. My god this is some of the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.

I’d actually rather see any Transformers movie instead.

We owe George Lucas an apology. The prequels still suck, but they still don’t even hold a candle to this garbage.