Dragging Me to Hell

Normally, this blog is reserved for broad subjects, or at least I try to make it that way. Lately, I haven’t done that so much; I mean, I still have, but most of what I post now relates to what I’m currently going through and what I’m about to go through. The past 5 months have been the worst 5 months of my life, and it’s not looking likely this period will end anytime soon.

Before I got married, the thought of a prenuptial agreement did cross my mind. I nearly considered it. I’ve known for most of my life that men have an immense disadvantage in our society. Nobody (including other men) sympathize when we are suffering. This is especially true when it comes to divorce, and even more so when divorce involves children. Men very rarely win custody battles. I have never once heard of a man winning custody of his kid(s) except when the mother was psychotic or didn’t want her kid(s) in the first place. But when both parents are sane, and when both parents want custody, the father never wins. I didn’t get a prenuptial agreement before I got married because I truly had that much faith that the woman I’d be marrying was better. I thought she was principled enough to be incapable of taking that which is most precious to me. I didn’t know she’d get pregnant, but I was hoping for it, and I didn’t fear she’d take my child from me.

Sometime in the future, I’ll explain all the reasons I felt this way about her in great detail. But for the sake of brevity, I’ll just reiterate the fact our separation has proven to me she is lightyears different from the person I thought she was. As I’ve said before, I don’t recognize her anymore. It was a mistake not to get a prenup. And let’s just all admit here and now: Prenups only exist to protect men from our biased court systems. They only exist to protect men from losing their house, and their more expensive possessions, and most importantly, their kids. It’s something we always have to worry about. It’s not something women ever have to worry about. We need hard evidence that we are not a bad person (and even then, it never works, because every imperfection will be exaggerated), whereas all women need is a good sob story.

Remember Brett Kavanaugh? A guy that just by taking one look at, you know he couldn’t hurt a fly. And yet, he was accused of being a gang rapist, one of the worst things a person could ever be accused of. He had to suffer through weeks of investigation, trials, and literally millions of people demanding he either step down from public office or even get thrown in jail. All because of a mere accusation. An accusation that had no consistency in its story, and no evidence. It didn’t stop a public outcry and marches in the street and even death threats getting thrown his way. All because a woman accused him of something. I’m actually shocked that he didn’t back down, and even more shocked that he was able to become a Supreme Court judge. That’s what we men have to do these days: refuse to back down and trust the virtue of our courts, no matter how difficult that is to do. I personally never liked Kavanaugh, but even I thought it was absolutely absurd and extreme to accuse him of being one of the worst things a person can be.

It’s popular to hate men. Nobody wants to come to a man’s aid if he’s being accused or attacked. Nobody reacts if a man loses that which is most precious to him. We are expendable; why else could both men and women get any job in the military they want, but women are immune to the draft? Bigotry and/or apathy toward men is something that everyone can get away with. It’s bigotry that people applaud and celebrate.

This is what has made the past 5 months the worst in all my life. Being a father is what I have wanted the most for my entire life. More than anything else in the world, and I know I will lose my child in my divorce. I know I never had a chance, simply because I was born male, and because I’m just as imperfect as any other person. I’d only have a fighting chance if I never once made a mistake in my entire life and literally everybody adored me. In addition to that, I’m tall, have a somewhat large build, and my child is a girl. Part of the prejudice everyone has against men is that people assume all men are creeps. Everyone who knows me well knows I’m not aggressive, I’m not reckless, I’m not a creep, I’m not a multitude of dangerous things, and above all, that I love my daughter more than anything. I’ve had several people come to me saying they will testify for me. Some of those people I haven’t had the greatest relationship with, and even still, they know my character and volunteered to defend it. Still, I know it won’t help. Divorce courts are kangaroo courts, where the verdict is decided before the trial even begins. The process is only for show; to feign fairness.

It’s like walking to the gallows. It’s like being dragged to hell.

I can’t think. My emotions, like my crushing agony, and my fear, and my anger, and this feeling of hopelessness, are weighing me down like I’ve never been before. These days I’m always either crying or wanting to scream. I’m so physically and mentally weak I can barely work my job. I can only function when I force it. I’m honestly surprised I’ve been able to do as much as I have. I can’t finish a novel that was technically done being written 7 months ago. I can still occasionally blog, but only because expressing my thoughts is my primary coping mechanism, and even then, I can almost only write about things related to what I’m going through.

When my wife and I first separated, I asked her not to take my daughter from me. She said she’d never do that. Then, in typical fashion, her words did not match her actions. When she filed for divorce, it stated she wanted me to only visit my daughter every other weekend. 2 out of every 14 days. Less than a quarter of the time. If she gets her way, which she will, then I only get to be present for LESS than a quarter of my daughter’s childhood. Nobody in their right mind calls that keeping a child. If it happened to her, she’d know full well that that is absolutely not what ‘keeping your child’ means. That IS taking a child away. Nobody on Earth who desires to be a loving parent thinks to themselves, “Yeah, I really hope I only get to see my child 14% of the time. I always pictured myself seeing them only half-of-half-of-half of the time.”

And she wants me to pay her to do it. Because when free money is an option, why turn that down? She wanted me to be thankful that she wasn’t demanding alimony, which is kind of like lighting a person on fire but then expecting them to be thankful you didn’t chop off all their limbs as well.

A good person wouldn’t do this to another. I wouldn’t do it to someone I hated.

That’s not all. Another part of what I mean when I say I’m being dragged down to hell is what I’m going to be required to do just to not lose my child. I’m being forced to go to war. I’m being forced to fight someone. I’m being forced to think of someone as an enemy that needs to be defeated at all costs. If I don’t resist this with all my might, I’ll lose for sure. I’m being forced to think of every possible thing I can to use against someone. That alone makes me feel disgusting. But, it’s either I do that, or lose my child.

As I explained in my previous post All I Want, I hate conflict, and I equally hate when others fight with each other. It’s never necessary. But like I explained then, it’s always a small few who drag everyone else down. It’s always a small few who force everyone down to their level. And when one is dragged down to hell, they must either adapt (meaning, become just like them, or worse) or die. Just to survive, or just to not be trampled over, you must become just like that person/those people.

Every time I see my daughter, every time I hold her, and every time I hear her say something … I almost completely forget everything that’s happening. She is a fountain of joy. Even when she’s being difficult, like getting too-easily distracted by the littlest things when I’m feeding her, I still find joy in that. She is the most wonderful child I could have ever asked for. So, do I want her all to myself? Of course. We are all greedy deep down, but I understand it would morally reprehensible for me to strive keeping her to myself 86% of the time or more. I would never do what her mother is attempting to do, regardless if I thought I could get away with it. I am trying to be fair. Besides, children need both parents equally, and in addition to that, our social fabric is tearing apart the more our court systems maintain their bias favoring women and their prejudice against men (as I explained in The Crime of Fatherlessness). For a time, I kept asking her mother to just simply talk to me about what to do. She refused.

Everyone who has ever seen me with my daughter has seen, beyond any doubt, that my daughter loves me immensely as well, and more importantly, feels safe with me. 2 priceless things that can’t be faked or bought, only earned. Whenever she and I are around other people – people who are not strangers at all, that she sees somewhat regularly – she still prefers to be near me. I was at her great-grandparents’ house recently. She was playing with some toys in the living room. Her great-grandparents and I were sitting spread out across the living room playing with her. My daughter laughed and played with them a little bit, but still, most of the time, she crawled over to me to play with me, or just to snuggle. As much as I loved the attention, I didn’t want her grandparents to feel left out, and I remember smiling and telling her, “You can play with grandma and grandpa too, love. Not just me.” I went into the kitchen to prepare her some food, and as soon as I walked away, before I even got to the kitchen, she dropped her toys, crawled away from her grandpa, and followed me. About ten seconds after I enter the kitchen, I see her crawling around the corner, with a big smile, and she crawled up to my feet, asking me with her cuteness to hold her.

This instance was not the only example I could talk about. I could talk about how she’s not stubborn about her sleepiness when I’m holding her, or how she isn’t really stubborn or obstinate with me in general, but the point is: When my child feels that way about me, and her mother is going to attempt to take that away from her as well (not just me)…, my daughter has a future of heartache awaiting her, and probably tremendous resentment as well. I don’t want to lose my baby, but I also strongly don’t want to allow her mother to cause our daughter that kind of damage.

I’ve been in that situation: When you can only see someone you love a minimal amount. It stings like nothing else could.

When I was a child, and I was separated from my siblings, that damaged me. Every time my brother and/or sister visited me and then left back to their respective homes, I cried myself to sleep. Every time. That kind of separation was hard on them, too. It messed all three of us up. Not to mention, how indescribably painful it was that I didn’t have my mother around. The only reason I didn’t miss my father was because I never knew him, which helped in the short-term, but my lacking a true father all my life only hurt me in the long-term. Sure, my mother always had problems, but without a doubt in my mind, when she lost her kids, I know it only made things worse for her. My point is, nobody, of any age, gets separated from those they love and gets out unscathed. It always, always kills part of the soul. Sometimes, depending on the circumstance, it crushes the soul completely.

I don’t want to be at war with anyone. I never have wanted to. I hate this beyond words. I know what’s coming, and it’s crushing me with each day that it draws closer.

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