Most people don’t know this about me. Whether they know me personally, or just know about me through my works, it isn’t common knowledge that I’m partly asexual. To those who don’t know, asexuality in humans doesn’t mean you’re born without genitals, it means you don’t have an interest in sex. To those I’ve told about this, I described it saying, “I’m half straight, half asexual.” The correct term for it, I learned recently, is “grey asexuality”, which pretty much means sometimes you become interested in sex, or under very specific circumstances, but otherwise, you don’t really care for it. It’s not a myth that some people are completely asexual. This here is another way to look at it.
For the most part, I just find the human body disgusting, including and especially genitalia, though I do greatly appreciate a nice face. And to be completely honest, I’m glad this is the way I am. My whole life, I’ve seen teen boys and grown men ogle after females like wild animals in heat, and that’s always bothered me. It’s always been difficult for me to have guy friends, because so many men are obsessed with getting laid. It’s as if men can think straight when they’re not getting some, but as soon as they start sleeping with someone, they forget what etiquette is, they forget who their friends are, and they become completely arrogant assholes. It’s like attaining political power, in their minds. Of course, men aren’t the only ones who do this (it’s just more prominent among them). Like I explained in this article, that ex-girlfriend never cared about the men she was with as a person, she solely cared about the attention and sex they provided her, because she desperately can’t handle being alone, which I hated just as much as aforementioned behavior from men. Human sexuality can be beautiful. It can be gorgeous. It can be a wonderful thing, but a lot of people seem to be controlled by theirs. So, this is why I’m glad to be grey asexual. I can go months, even years, without sex and have no problem with it.
Now, I don’t want to come across as sounding like I believe most people only care about sex. Not everyone is driven solely by lust. Most are capable of love; love that isn’t driven by lust. But what’s the difference between the two? Is there a difference?
I suppose it can be hard to distinguish on an individual basis. Saying you like or love someone solely because of their personality is ridiculous, just as much as it’s ridiculous to say you’re in love with someone because they’re hot. I don’t know. Call me excessively cynical, but I think most people, of both genders (equally), confuse lust with love. From what I’ve seen in real life, and in books, and in movies, whenever someone has a crush, their crush is always really attractive. Seriously, someone write fiction where someone falls in love because the person has an amazing personality and is far from beautiful. Why do writers always make fiction about someone falling in love with someone who is always beautiful? Because it reflects reality. Otherwise, those books/movies wouldn’t sell.
Here’s what inspired me to write about this subject. A few months ago, something happened to me that had never happened to me before. I saw a girl and literally became infatuated with her in an instant. Me, the grey asexual… Physically, this girl isn’t exactly a 10, but I would say she’s a little above average. I honestly didn’t know what it was about her that drew me in so quickly, but damn was the magnetic pull strong. This didn’t happen with my first love, nor my second, and I loved both those girls a lot. This girl, though, who I fell for simply by looking at her …. I somehow knew there was something different about her. It was like I knew her already. In the months to follow, I’ve gotten to know this girl, and the more I get to know her, the more perfect, yes perfect, she seems to me. She has the same morals I have, the same political stances as me, and even the same history of coming from a religious right-wing family that she eventually refused to be like. I truly mean it when I say she seems perfect. I haven’t found a single thing about her, in the time I’ve gotten to know her, that makes me think, “Yeah, maybe we wouldn’t work out, if we tried a relationship.” Never in my life has this ever happened to me. And my brain seemingly knew all this before I even got to know her.
It doesn’t make sense. If it was just lust, it would make perfect sense. But if I were to make a top-10 list of things I like most about her, her body would probably be in 9th or 10th place.
I’m not here to talk about this girl, though I would happily do so. All I’m really getting at is just how strange and obscure the contrast between love and lust is. The two are so difficult to understand, because they seem to be mutually exclusive while simultaneously being unable to exist without the other. Evolutionarily speaking, we need mates. It keeps our species going. And we need a sex drive to be drawn to mates. But it truly baffles me that simply looking at someone you don’t even know (at the time) can make you so attracted to them, and their body is not the main reason, and they don’t look like someone I’ve ever known before.
Can anyone explain this? I sure can’t.
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